Advice to a Friend

I had a friend email me this week asking for my "sage advice" on motherhood. I'm not sure I have any of that but I wrote back just the same. Following is most of what I sent to her. After I sent it I realized that there were several things in here that I want to remember about being a mom - the good and the bad - so I thought I'd put it here, slightly altered to remove names and protect the innocent. Some of it is in response to questions she posed or statements about herself but I think it all makes sense even out of context.

Hmmmm..... what to tell you so it is honest without scaring you.....
Just kidding.

My honest answer is that things will never be the same but that is okay. Not only okay but fabulous. I think everyone is different in how a pregnancy and the crazy hormones affect them. For me, I became terribly forgetful both during and after my pregnancy and this has never gone back to "normal." There is a reason I keep such an organized calendar with everything from doctors' appts to soccer practice to when my library books are due --- it is because I can barely remember how to dress myself sometimes, it seems. I also cry at the drop of a hat - something I don't at all know what to do with to this day because I never had that problem pre-J. But, what I have come to realize is that is okay.

Being a mommy to someone whose whole life is dependent on you is both the most terrifying and most fulfilling feeling I've ever had. It doesn't equate in any way to how you feel about any other aspect of your life. The way you love your husband or your father or your sibling or your friend will pale in comparison to the amount of love you will pour into this one tiny being. The attention you give those people will pale when compared to the attention this little one not only requires but what you want to give. It doesn’t mean you have less love for those people, just that this tiny person depends on you for every need in their life. I find myself dropping the housework on a dime to read a little boy a story because I know, at that moment, nothing matters to him more in this world than his mommy. The housework -- or whatever it is -- is so unimportant at that moment. There is a reason we finally had to break down and hire a housekeeper. My housework will never be more important to me than those 10 minutes of storytime for as long as J wants me to spend time with him (because I know it won't be like that forever). There will come a day when he not only doesn't beg me to be with him, he wouldn't dream of wanting me there.

Work is the same way. All of those things that you are stressing about at work... when you are on maternity leave, those become someone else's problems at least for the time you are away. You CAN NOT worry about that while adjusting to motherhood. There simply isn't enough of you to go around and your little one deserves and will demand your undivided attention. There is no planning around him - he will dictate things for a while. I had a very healthy and uneventful pregnancy and relatively easy delivery. I was still more tired in the first week than I have ever been in my entire life. The good news? It does get better and easier even as it changes.

Life with an infant, a creeper, a toddler, a preschooler, etc. is a daily-changing affair that requires your flexibility but also, I believe, your organization. You will rise to the challenge because you are driven to do so. You will become what you need to be because you, like me and many others, see there is no alternative for raising a happy, healthy, intelligent, productive member of society. Honestly, there are days you don't know what you are going to do or how you are going to get through it. There are days that you realize you not only don't have all the answers, you'd be thrilled to come up with one solid lead on any answer at all. Motherhood is tough. I think anyone who says it isn't is ignoring some vital part of their child's development. And, between you, me, and the other women out there, I think we have it a little harder than the men. I don't mean in the physical sense of carrying the child or breastfeeding or any of those things. For me, those parts were a sheer joy. I mean in the pure emotional attachment we have to our kids. There is something about carrying that child that makes you forever linked to him in a way that I don't think any man can fully comprehend. This may not be true but I believe it to be true. There is a reason we women are the ones who can sit up all night by our child's bed when they are sick despite not having slept in days when the guys have long-since drifted off to sleep unintentionally on the sofa. It is the most remarkable feeling on earth.

Now, I say that like it is always a good thing. It isn't. You will worry. You will lose sleep. There are nights I don't sleep at all for worrying. About money. About J's school. About his behavior. About ridiculous things like potty training. There is just a switch that comes on the moment you find out there is a child on its way that makes you realize you are the sole provider for this child forever. I am not discounting a father's role but I do believe that no matter what happens in our lives, it is our mothers we always turn to or want to turn to and I think that is doubly true for boys. They always have a soft spot for their moms (at least in normal, functional families).

As for making mistakes or missteps - just think of them as a fact of life. You are going to be pulled in lots of different directions and you will occasionally make mistakes. The more you open up to people and allow them to see what is going on with you and why, the more I've found people are willing to work with you. As you know, J struggled for about a year. Things have only in the past month and a half righted themselves. There were many, many days when I had to drop everything here at work to go pick him up. I worried there would be repercussions because I used all my sick and vacation days and had to start taking unpaid days. The surprise? More people understand family problems and maternal issues than you might believe. But, my view point is, if they don't understand, do I really want to work for people like that anyway? I do worry that my maternal obligations and choices might eventually effect my employment but that is a risk I have to take. My child will always come before my job just as I know yours will as well. We don't have it in us to be any other way and I think that is a good thing.

As for your health, just remember that you are no use to your child unless you are healthy. Put yourself first in taking care of yourself when at all possible. There will be times when you will not sleep for 2 or 3 days because of extenuating circumstances. There will be times you have to get out of bed when you don't feel good because your child needs you. However, when at all possible, take care of yourself as well. Most husbands will rise to the occasion just as mine has. They have something in them too that we probably can't relate to and can't understand. Paternal instinct gets overlooked and overshadowed by the maternal counterpart but I think it exists and in abundance. Allow him to make his own mistakes and find his own way to becoming the type of father he wants to be. Take it from a control freak, it is hard to step away sometimes - particularly when you don't agree with what they are doing. But, it is vitally important for them to go their own way. Let him. He will surprise, astound, and wow you.

The third trimester (if your pregnancy is anything like mine) will be the hardest. I wish I could sugar coat that but it seems to be the general consensus among all women I've known who have ever been pregnant. That's when my memory went. I had to lie down half way through the day on more than one occasion because I was simply too tired to go on without a 10 minute nap. I would get up, shower, then have to lie back down for 5 minutes because the sheer act of getting ready in the morning was exhausting and draining. My ankles disappeared entirely which, for someone working on their feet on concrete floors all day, presented their own problems. I was exhausted, bloated, emotional, and generally disorganized and, yet, you have to keep going. I worked until the day I went into labor. I don't recommend that. Take a few days, if you make it to your due date, prior to your date to rest. You will need it. That was my one regret about the entire process though I thought I still had time.

Routines, you ask? I vaguely remember what the concept of a firm routine looks like? I haven't actually experienced it in over 4 years. If there is one thing motherhood has taught me, it is flexibility. It is always good to have a plan but be sure you have at least two back up plans as well as a willingness to go off-plan altogether when all three of those initial plans don't work out. Whether it is the babysitter who calls because she got a better offer for what to do on a Friday night (though is at least smart enough to camouflage it as a sore throat) or a child projectile vomiting all over you in a crowded Olive Garden, you have to learn to be flexible and laugh at those little moments. Children crave routine so trying one is always good. Children also do whatever they can both willingly and knowingly and unknowingly to disrupt those routines. You just have to go with it. Life is too short to obsess about things like that.

You are right about one thing - motherhood's theme should be "suck it up" a great deal of the time. We, as mothers, must almost always put ourselves last in every equation for the peace and furtherance of our families. However, the payoff of that is that you have this wonderful, beautiful, smiling, joy of a child in your arms at the end of a long and trying day when you feel like nothing is going right and you will never be "first" again. It is true that one of my favorite things in the whole world is the feeling of a baby's breath on my neck as he sleeps peacefully and quietly in your arms. There is no feeling in all of this world like it and it can't be replicated with someone else's child. No matter how many children you've held in your lifetime, they can't hold a candle to the feeling you have the first time your baby falls asleep in your arms. And all of those other worries and trials and issues just melt away... even if only for a few minutes.

Every single day is a roller coaster ride. My best "sage advice" is to strap on your seat belt and get ready for the ride of your life. It is more than worth the price of admission!

Too Smart?

We’ve had a lot of problems lately with J. For about fifteen days, we didn’t have a single good day at school. There were reports of biting, kicking, hitting students, hitting teachers, screaming, pulling curtains off the wall, throwing things, etc. This list went on and on. I had to leave work on several occasions to pick him up because they wouldn’t let him finish out the day. I was truly at my wits end. Then one tiny change was implemented. J was moved to a class with older kids. Now playing with K4 and K5 kids, we’ve had not a single bad report.

J has been an angel. We speculated over the reasons for the change. This morning, one of the teachers told me that she isn’t at all surprised at the change because he is so much smarter than the other kids his age. He gets frustrated trying to communicate with them. He sees them hitting and kicking and just follows suite because it is the only way to communicate with some of them. With the older kids, he feels the need to show them how “big” he is and he can communicate with them on their level. It is hard to grasp sometimes that intellect can be a downfall sometimes.

I am so thankful for a school that looks for solutions rather than just pointing out problems. I am so thankful for teachers willing to try and try again. I am so thankful for my little boy who is still learning every day how to act and how to treat his friends. I am thankful that he is that smart… even if it means it makes things so much harder sometimes.

The Baby Borrowers

I am generally not a big fan of reality television. However, there is a new show on TV that I love. It is more of a social experiment, I believe, than most reality television can claim to be. Baby Borrowers takes five young couples, all between the ages of 18 and 20, who believe they are ready for married life, adulthood, and babies. The show gives them big, beautiful houses to live in - none of them having ever lived together before. They are given one day to settle into their new homes and enjoy the "married life" before the first package arrives. All the girls must don simulated pregnancy suits for the next 24 hours until their real babies arrive. One girl can't even bear the thought of the suit because it hurts and looks hideous. Already I was hooked on this show!

The next phase of the show brings 5 babies into the picture, each assigned to a different couple, all six to eleven months old. The real parents can watch the action and even intervene if necessary, like when one of the girls gives up feeding one of the babies and says, "Fine. Starve." and walks off. There are also trained nannies in each house for emergency situations only (choking or something like that).

The show is riveting so far and they are only in the first phase. Already every "mother" has broken down and they are only in Phase 1. One mother is upset because the baby likes the boyfriend more than her which SO mirrors real life that it isn't even funny. I can't tell you how many days J has refused to do ANYTHING for one of us but will do it immediately and without argument for the other one just because he likes the other one better that day. Phase 2, approximately 4 days after the baby arrives, replaces that baby with a toddler and the previews look awesome! As the parent of a toddler, I can't wait to see those shows! Phase 3 starts 3 days later when the toddler leaves and in walks several pre-teens and their pets. Phase 4 brings a teenager into the home and Phase 5 leaves them caring for an elderly adult, complete with health problems, pills to remember, wheelchairs, etc.

These kids who think they are so ready to grow up and have kids of their own are cracking under the pressure in just 24 hours. Why are kids these days so anxious to grow up? Why can they not just enjoy being teenagers, enjoy a life with fewer responsibilities?

I love my toddler more than life itself. I devote most of my time that I am not working to him in one way or another. I love spending time with him and I adore him. However, I am so glad I didn't have him straight out of high school or even college. I am even glad I didn't have him in my 20s. I am so thankful for the years that were just about me through most of college and the years that were just about me and my husband without a child in the picture after that.

Once you have a child, that commitment is for life. There will never be another day of your life when you won't be that child's parents - even when you are 90 years old. If you are lucky, that child will depend on you in one way or another forever - even if it is just looking to you for advice or for love or to be a grandparent or great-grandparent to their kids and their kids' kids.

Seeing these kids who want to have kids themselves makes me a little sad. I think this social experiment labeled as reality television is great. If it can persuade even just these 10 young people that they aren't ready, it will be worth its weight in gold. One of the guys even said he agreed to do the show to convince his girlfriend they aren't ready and comments often throughout the show, "My plan is working!" I hope the plan is working also!

New Year's Resolutions - 6 Month Update

So, for many people, I'm sure their New Year's Resolutions are long-since forgotten by now. Not me. I rarely make a ton of resolutions but I want to follow-through on the ones I make.

Here they are once again along with the progress I’ve made. I'm pretty happy with where I am at this point.

1. Start getting up earlier in the morning (ugh) to allow time for exercise and to make J a healthy breakfast. As expected, I am not following through on this one. Doug and I were just discussing our morning routine today. It isn't working. As for the exercise, I've solved that in another way by joining a gym and have been going an average of 2 times a week (meaning sometimes I go 4 times and sometimes I don't go at all). This has been a hard habit to get started but I am still optimistic that I can make this lifestyle change for both me and Doug. We need to encourage and even guilt each other a little better into going. As for J's breakfast, I need to do better in helping with that one. I have been doing one thing better and that is buying almost exclusively healthy options for breakfast. That way, even if it is a grab-and-go breakfast, it is still a Special K bar or a Clif bar or raisins as opposed to something awful like sugar cereal. I've also cut down on the sugar cereals I buy for Doug because I know J will want them as well. Fortunately, J's favorite cereals are Raisin Bran Crunch, Kix, Frosted Mini Wheats, and Organic Clifford Crunch. While only the Clifford Cereal is sugar free, at least they are all better for him than what a lot of kids eat.

2. Paint at least one room in my house (my bedroom, the guest bathroom, and/or the guest room/playroom) and hire someone to paint my kitchen. As noted before, I took a day off and painted the guest bathroom which is also J's bathroom. I am really happy with how it turned out. J wanted a monkey-themed bathroom and I think it is adorable. I also bought sample paint to test the colors in the kitchen and master bedroom. Hopefully I can hire that job out later this year when the funds are more readily available.

3. Make my front flowerbeds look presentable. With some help from J (okay, maybe mostly him throwing dirt around while I worked) and some real hard work and help from my dad, my front flower bed looks awesome. There are new flowers throughout the bed. The old flowers have been trimmed. The hedges have been trimmed. One hedge was removed due to over-crowding. A beautiful brick edging was added to hold all of our brand new mulch in when it rains. All in all, I am extremely happy with this project. Now if I can just keep the flowers alive with no more rain than we've been having, I'll be really happy!

4. Lose some weight - any amount will do. I've only lost 5 pounds since joining the gym the last week in April but I've been really happy with the results the gym is producing just the same. The first night we met with our trainer, I thought I was going to die within the first 5 minutes on the elliptical. My heart was racing and I was out of breath. Within a few weeks, I could do that same elliptical, hold a conversation with him while on it, climb off, and be ready to tackle the next hurdle. While losing weight would be great, I've definitely shifted my focus to just feeling better and being healthier. If the weight loss comes with that then great. If not, I'm okay with that as well.

5. Spend more time with my friends. Game night, anyone? We just had 16 people come over for a weekend of games, RockBand, karaoke, and visiting. It was awesome and I'm looking forward to the next big weekend get-together in August with most of them. Additionally, we've got friends coming up this weekend for a kid-centered weekend at the Botanic Gardens and the Zoo and I've got a crop next weekend. I adore the time spent with our friends and look forward to many more good times with them. I do need to learn balance and I need to learn to say no sometimes. Our weekends have become so booked and backed up that there is never a single weekend to look forward to without plans. Never time to rest or just sit around and watch a movie at home. Next year's New Year's Resolution needs to perhaps involve a greatly reduced number of plans with friends and family. Ironic, isn't it - you always want things to be the way they aren't.

So, that's the update for now. All in all, not bad progress for the 6-month mark. My biggest goal for the remaining 6 months is to really hit the gym hard. I need it to be a priority in a way that it hasn't been. I need that lifestyle change so I will feel healthier. So I can be around for J for the next 50 years. So I can set a good example for J of healthy living, eating, and exercise. There is no greater gift to give a child than to just set a good example. I hope to do that.

Friends

My parents are staying with us this week before taking J home with them for a week so 16 of our closest friends can spend the weekend with us. J is attending Vacation Bible School this week. One treat when my parents are in town for him is that my mom will pick him up an hour or so earlier than we typically do from after-school care. On Monday afternoon, my mom had the following conversation with J. I thought it was so sweet.

G: How was Vacation Bible School today?
J: Good. Will you go with me tomorrow?
G: Go with you to Bible School? I don't think they let grandmas go.
J: But the man on the stage said we needed more people.
G: I think he meant more kinds your age.
J: But he said to bring our friends.

I'm so thankful that J views his grandparents as friends. He has so much fun with them and looks up to them at the same time. They spoil him while still making him mind. I am very thankful for our parents and the positive influence they have on J's life. I hope he always knows how lucky he is to have them.