I've come to realize...

I filled this out on Facebook but thought it was worth saving to use some of the questions in my About Me scrapbook.

1. I've come to realize that my job...
doesn’t define me. I’m glad for days I enjoy what I’m doing and endure the days I don’t because it is simply a means to an end at this point in my life. I’ll never make a lot of money and I won’t cure cancer. But, I’ll do the best I can each day to provide for my family.

2. I've come to realize that my TV...
is my one true vice. I admit I love it and watch way too much of it.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving....
people really piss me off. I’d like to have a paint gun attached to my car to tag bad drivers.

4. I've come to realize that I need....
some time to myself. The only child in me comes out from time to time and being a mom, wife, daughter, employee, friend, etc. all combined is sometimes more than I can give. I need a few minutes to regroup and find myself again so I am better at the things I need to do.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
my memory.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
people won’t just do what I want them to. Damn free will!

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
I don’t have any more fun than when I’m sober. I enjoy things differently now that I’m older.

8. I've come to realize that my money...
is never going to be my own. I’ve given up on the idea of money in the bank and expensive things around the house. I just try to get by month to month and give my son everything he needs to be successful – good school and that sort of thing.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
are not worth my time, attention, and worry. I’ve realized that life is too short to spend time with people who don’t add value to my life in many ways.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always....
be close to my family and a few select friends. They are a big part of what makes my life worthwhile.

11. I've come to realize that my sister/brother...
are the friends I’ve made who will be with me always. Though I don’t have biological brothers or sisters, I have the family I’ve chosen to surround myself with and I am so blessed to call them my brothers and sisters.

12. I’ve come to realize that my butt….
will always be big. I have embraced this reality and realize that no amount of dieting, exercise, yoga, Zumba, or anything else is going to change it significantly. “I like Big Butts and I can not lie.”

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
is quite possibly the most annoying thing I own. I hate talking on the phone and texts are expensive. Were it not for the fear of getting stranded on the side of a road somewhere, I’d likely throw it in the garbage.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
there is no sound in the world as awful as an alarm clock too early in the morning.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I had stayed up way too late and would pay for it this morning.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking....
I have so much to be thankful for in my life that the minor complaints are not even worth mentioning.

17. I've come to realize that my dad....
is a great role model and I wish everyone had half as good a dad as I do.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
I’ve lost touch with too many people in the past who I wish I had kept up with better all along.

19. I've come to realize that today...
is the beginning of MY weekend. Work might get me from 8am on Monday until 5pm on Friday but the weekends are all mine.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
I need to get some things done so I can enjoy the rest of my weekend.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
will be great because I’ll get to spend it with family and friends. It’s hard to beat that!

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
have as much time with Joel as I can before he grows up and doesn’t have as much time for me.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is....
bored like me.

24. I've come to realize that life...
is what you make of it.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
will be too short like all the rest.

26. I've come to realize the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is anything “fun” from 80s rock to Broadway musicals. Something that makes me smile instead of wallow in my own misery. I’m not good at “emo” and have little patience for people who are.

27. I've come to realize that my friends...
are unique individuals and I have to remember that, just like me, they have faults that make me irritated and traits that make me so lucky to call them friend.

28. I've come to realize that this year...
is fleeting – just like all the rest. I should enjoy the days as they come.

29. I've come to realize that my exes…
all taught me something and helped shape who I am today even if I don’t like to admit it.

30. I've come to realize maybe I should...
listen when Doug tells me “sometimes good enough is good enough.”

31. I've come to realize I love...
being a mom.

32. I've come to realize my past....
is what it is. Mistakes? Sure. Regrets? None.

33. I've come to realize that parties...
are good reasons to travel great distances to see people I wish I could see a lot more often.

34. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
of not being a good mom.

35. I've come to realize that my family...
is so important to me and I don’t know where or who I’d be without them.

36. I've come to realize that my life...
is pretty great and I couldn’t begin to count all of my blessings.

Cute J Comments

J is on vacation with my parents this week but I've been thinking back to a few of the cute things he said last week before he left.

Each morning, J and I get in the van and wait for Doug to get his stuff and lock up the house. Usually we are in the car for only a few minutes but sometimes it get up to five minutes or more that we are waiting. Every morning J tells me to "leave Daddy." I'll put the van in reverse and back up a foot or so and he'll laugh. One morning, Doug and I needed to drive separate cars. J and I got in the car and I was adjusting the radio and opening my soda and whatnot when J said, "Leave Daddy!" I said, "Okay!" and started backing out of the driveway. J hollered, "No, no!! I didn't mean it. I don't really want to leave Daddy." It took me five minutes to convince him we weren't really leaving Daddy.

On another morning while waiting for Doug J said, "Mommy, I already look like I'm six 'cause I'm big. I really should be six by now for as long as I've been growing."

My mom called last night and was telling me some things he's said to her already this week. My favorite was, "Why is it so hard to listen?" How true.

A Trip to the Movies

I should start by saying that J has a very active imagination. He is also a very good story-teller. I don't mean he is good at lying because he isn't. When he attempts to lie about anything important, there are lots of "uhhhs" and "well...." He is typically the first to tell on himself when he's done something wrong because he doesn't even like to lie (most of the time). However, when he is spinning a yarn, he is a master. Additionally, he has a new imaginary friend who is the topic of many of these tales lately. His friend's name is Jason Cross. Jason can see and hear through doors and walls. Jason, although only 5-years old, knows how to drive a car. Jason, when the situation calls for it, can become invisible.

This morning J and I were sitting in the car waiting for Doug to lock up the house (a process that sometimes takes quite a while as he is very particular in this routine). So, J starts telling me that he has seen Sandlot (one of his new favorite movies though the movie was released straight to DVD in 2007) in a theater. I told him he hadn't but the conversation proceeded like this:

J: Yes, I have! The movie was in 3D too - not like the DVD. I went one day when you thought I was in school.
Me: Really? How did you get there?
J: Jason Cross drove us. He can drive, you know?
Me: Yes, I remember. So, when did you go?
J: Well, the movie started at 6:30 in the morning so we had to leave early.
(Side note - J is just rolling out of bed at 6:30 each morning but I didn't point this out.)
Me: Where did you get money to go to the movies?
J: We had some dollars so we used that to buy 15 popcorn.
(Much later in the discussion it was revealed that this was not, in fact, 15 boxes of popcorn but just 15 kernels of popcorn.)
Me: Okay. That's a lot of popcorn.
J: Yeah. Anyway, then we used gift cards to pay and we used tickets to get into the movie. We had to use credit cards to leave the movie.
Me: Sounds like you really thought this out ahead of time. So, you have to pay to leave the movie as well?
J: Yeah.
Me: So, who all went to the movie?
J: Well, Jason Cross. Me, of course. (laughs) Okay, now I'm not making this up but one of my friends who went is named Timber.
Me: Okay. Timber. I don't know him.
J: No. And then Limetonian but we call him just "Tony."
(Again, later in the conversation, J said that his name was not Limetonian and that I made that up. He also said it was mean of me to make up a name to call someone. Okay!)
Me: Limetonian? That's an unusual name.
J: Yeah. That's why we call him Tony. And D.P. Oh! And Rocky went too.
Me: That was quite a crowd. Did you all go in one car?
J: Yes, but it was a special car.

This conversation continued but started to unravel a bit. I love that J has such a vivid imagination. I suspect with the characters he enjoys creating, he will enjoy writing one day. In the meantime, I'll record some of his characters and tales so I can embarrass him with them some day.

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

I was thinking recently about all the jobs I've had over the years. What do these actually qualify me to do in the real world? Have I found any sort of expertise in holding down these jobs? Am I a better (or worse) person for these experiences? I love to make lists so here is another that is interesting to me.

All the jobs I've had to this point in my life:

babysitter (in high school I did this Monday through Friday year round - during the school year from 3:30 to 6pm and in the summer from 7am to 8pm)
piano teacher
paid and unpaid church nursery worker
retail store associate, cashier, and customer service rep
waitress
bartender
on-air DJ & production for a crappy little FM station
Avon Lady
undergrad research assistant
graduate assistant
college adjunct instructor
housekeeper/personal chef
temp (administrative)
promotional sales rep
promotional sales coordinator/buyer
manager of consumer research
marketing research analyst
Creative Memories consultant
office manager
field supervisor
greeting card display merchandiser
content management specialist

And the most important jobs I've had (and make no mistake, sometimes they can be real work), wife and mother. Mostly I feel like I've been a Jack of All Trades and Master of None. I wonder what my next opportunity will hold for me.

Expectations

There are many times I don't feel like a very good mother. Sometimes there are many times in a day or hour when I feel this way. Occasionally it is something "big" while most of the time it is a collection of things that, on their own, seem so inconsequential but which continuously pile up in the corners of my mind.

Last night was J's t-ball game. It was our night to provide snacks for the team after the game. I completely forgot to check the team calendar and make note of this small fact. If I had thought of it even up to 30 minutes into the game, one of us could have run to the store to grab some snacks and drinks. However, it was 5 minutes before the end of the game when someone asked, "Who brought snacks?" Immediately I knew it was probably supposed to be us when no one said anything. I apologized and no one seemed to really care but, as is my way, I mentally beat myself up about it for hours after the fact.

After we got home and J was fed, bathed, and had a few stories read to him, he asked me to be an Explorer with him. After investigating the "woods" in his room and the "forest" in the living room, "camping out" under a blanket "tent," and killing a bear with a single well-placed shot from a Nerf gun, we settled down on the sofa to watch a little Frog and Toad before bed.
I was still upset with myself for forgetting the snacks even though I knew it really didn't matter much. J, on the other hand, had long forgotten my Mommy Faux Pas. Without any prompting, he crawled up next to me, put his arms around me, and said, "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy anyone ever had in the whole world. I'm so glad to have you here with me always. I love you." And with that, he put his precious little head down on my chest.

If that isn't a way to snap anyone out of self pity mode, I don't know what would do it. I realized in that moment that what J needs from me isn't snacks at t-ball or new toys or trips to Disney World or any of the other things I want him to have but can't always give him. All he wants is my time, attention, and love. While I'm distracted and worrying, he thrives on a few minutes of make-believe, stories, and devotion.

I love my dear little one with all my heart. I love him more than I ever could have dreamed possible before he came into my world. I often feel that I'm not a good Mom... or maybe just not as good a Mom as I should be or want to be. However, some days I need to worry less about what I think I should be doing and just concentrate on what he really needs and wants from me. My expectations should be measured against his. If it is love he needs, I know he'll always have that in abundance.

Funny Things

J made a funny somewhat-metaphysical observation last night that is still making me laugh.

"If the world was a cup and heaven was a straw, would God be in the straw?"

Then this morning, Doug made an equally funny comment when he saw a guy wearing flip flops (a personal pet peeve of his).

"If I see a guy wearing flip flops, I have to wonder if he even has on clean underwear." He went on to explain that if the guy can't even be bothered to put on shoes, he probably can't be bothered to do any basic personal hygiene either. The comment alone was priceless though.

Good stuff to start my weekend off right!

Progress Report

New Year's Resolutions - February Update

Has it really been almost two months since New Year's presented us with our fresh start and compulsion to be resolute? Well, here is my progress:

1. Establish a better exercise routine. I enrolled J in swim lessons at the gym which has had the added benefit of forcing me to go to the gym some nights when I would have otherwise blown it off. I've tried to go a minimum of twice a week. Three times would be better.

2. Get the house ready to sell. Well on my way here. With the help of two outstanding friends, I got the kitchen/dining area, entrance way, and master bedroom painted. To get ready for that undertaking, I emptied everything out of those rooms and have tried very hard to not put everything back. I started three boxes in the garage for consignment sale and Veterans donations and have thrown away untold numbers of garbage cans full of stuff. The cleansing (both of the actual stuff and letting go of the mess mentally) has been therapeutic for me. And my house looks really good (for the most part). I do have a guest room piled up with stuff still needing to be sorted. That is next week's evening project.

3. Pay down our debt as much as possible. Always continuing with this struggle. I get so discouraged thinking we will never be financially secure. I so wish for money in the bank. But, I know to just keep plugging away.

4. Spend more time on my hobbies without feeling guilty. I spent a whole evening rearranging and straightening my scrapbook area. I went to see our babysitter in a play at her school. I'm trying to carve out a tiny bit of time to focus on me. With laundry and decluttering and shuttling J around, it is hard but I see the extreme importance in making time for just me.

5. Have at least 2 nights per week and at least one weekend day per month when I do something with J - just the two of us. Check.

6. Have at least one date night per month with Doug. Check. We are actually heading out on vacation for the weekend today. I've also put in a request for our babysitter for a movie weekend Doug is looking forward to. Even with money woes and job security issues and bills piled high on the kitchen counter, I know that getting away from it all and having time alone is just as important as those negatives. And, a mini escape is a lot cheaper than therapy!

7. Pursue new hobbies. With my home decorating and cleaning projects over the last month I haven't started this at all. Mark a star by this one and see what I can do! I have checked out a lot of library books on various new things to try. Does that count?

8. Try to make more of my gifts I give. Again, I've been reading a lot of library books and online how-tos. I'll get to this! My friend Tina and I have already started trying to pin down our first get-together date to get started.

What a Wonderful Life

I think a lot about things I want to do and things I haven’t (yet) done. However, my son’s thankful spirit this week made me turn to look at the past and things I am thankful I have done or been exposed to or things I’ve seen. This is by no means an all-inclusive list but just the first few things that popped into my head today. Some are big things that have affected my life, others are luxuries I’m glad I got to experience at least once, and some are in between somewhere.

1. Marrying Doug. I never believed in love at first sight or falling in love only once or even soul mates when I was younger. However, I did find my soul mate in Doug. He “gets” me and he puts up with me and he encourages me and, when no one else in the world can, he makes me think and appreciate and laugh. He loves me despite all the reasons he shouldn’t and he supports me even when he might not agree with me. He is the best decision I’ve ever made.
2. Having a baby. I am so blessed to have the wonderful son that I do. He is smart and loving and difficult and stubborn and I love him more than I ever thought was possible.
3. Buying a home. Just the experience of buying a home is a valuable learning experience but then add to that the maintenance and upkeep and financing and this becomes something that I’m glad I’m able to do. I love having a place that is all my own – an oasis from the rest of the world.
4. Visiting another country. I’ve only been to two other countries but both experiences were great!
5. Going on a cruise. I love traveling this way and, even though my finances don’t allow it, I still look back with great fondness on this vacation.
6. Staying at luxury hotels. Again, my finances don’t allow this but I’m thankful to have stayed at the historic Hotel Monteleone in New Orleans and at the Four Seasons in Vancouver.
7. Talking with a senator and a congressman in their offices in Washington, D.C. It is nice to be told you have a voice and that there are people to listen at a young age. I met with these people when I was a junior and again when I was a senior in high school on two separate educational trips.
8. Getting a good education. My parents did everything they could to provide me with the best possible foundation and I am so grateful for that.
9. Traveling. My mom told me one time when I was about 13 that I had already been more places by that age than she had been in her whole life. That luxury was never lost on me. When I was growing up, I would stay with my grandparents for two weeks every summer and they would often take me places. Additionally, my parents would take us on a vacation every year – even if just a very small one. I traveled out of the country for the first time when I was a senior in high school and I appreciated that opportunity and realized, even then, that I was being granted opportunities that many people never get in their entire lives. I love to travel and always have.
10. Having a good relationship with my family. We have our ups and downs like any family but I’ve always known that no matter what, my family would love me and support me. That makes even the toughest times easier to bear.

It takes so little to make us happy sometimes

I am not a morning person. I know lots of people say this but I’m not sure how many people truly mean it the way I do. I really hate to not only get up in the morning but I hate to be awakened in the morning. If I am allowed 20 or 30 minutes to ease into the day, I can make adjustments. However, if someone wakes me up or the alarm rings and I have to jump straight up out of the bed, it literally starts my day off in a very bad way. Unfortunately, my son inherited this gene from me. This morning I was trying to wake J up earlier than usual. He squinted his eyes against the light and gave me a sour look. He turned over to go back to sleep. When I tried to wake him again, he rolled over, looked at me, and in a surprisingly sweet voice said, “The bed is the perfect place that I need to be right now.” He then rolled over and went back to sleep as if that pronouncement should end all discussion. This morning I agreed to let that be the case and he got a few extra minutes of sleep.

The other precious quote of his that I wanted to record today was from last night. I was supervising J getting ready for bed and he walked over to his hamper to drop his clothes in. He looked down into the empty hamper then looked over at me and said, “Mommy, you washed all of my clothes. Thank you! I want to give you a hug.” He ran over and gave me a big hug and kiss and thanked me again. I almost got choked up. So many thankless tasks go into keeping a house running smoothly that we often forget to say thank you to those who take care of us. I know I was likely very guilty of forgetting to say thank you to my mom over the years. I am also guilty of forgetting to thank my hubby for the numerous things he does though I do try to let him know I appreciate all he does. However, this tiny recognition of my efforts brought a little joy into my heart last night. It is good to know that I am raising a son who is thoughtful and thankful and expressive and generous with his love.

New Year's Resolutions - 2009

I won't go into a lot of detail about these now. I really just want to put them down on "paper" so I will be reminded of them frequently.

1. Establish a better exercise routine. I was actually doing pretty well with this last year until my favorite aerobics class at the gym was moved to an inconvenient time and I was left to make my own weight-lifting routine. I went some but it was intermittent and I need to do better this year.

2. Get the house ready to sell. As we look to the future and hope to move to Alabama in the next 18 months (job market allowing), I need to get some painting, organizing, cleaning, and throwing away done. I started with J's room and it has been mostly freed of old toys, clothes, and furniture. (Too bad all that stuff is now just piled up in my guest room.) But hey - J's room looks amazing and SO CLEAN! The next two rooms to tackle are my bedroom and the kitchen. It isn't pleasant but it must be done.

3. Pay down our debt as much as possible. With job security being unpredictable, I will continue to pay down our debt with any available extra money I can find. This isn't really a resolution, I guess, so much as an on-going venture. I sometimes yearn for the vacations and big screen TVs and even some smaller trinkets and treasures that I see all around me but know that the bulk of our money must go to grad school loans, mortgage payments, and private school tuition for J among other debt. It really only takes one look into little J's eyes to know why we work hard for the money that we can't even keep. We strive to make a better future for the apple of our eyes.

4. Spend more time on my hobbies without feeling guilty. I have a wonderful husband. I know lots of women say that but it is true. He will let me run off to pursue things I want to do at any time. The problem? I feel terribly guilty about it most of the time. Too much time away from home or too much money or J isn't good while I am away and I should have been there to help. Whatever the thought at the time - it is always the same outcome... Guilt. I am going to try this year to take some time just for me and not let guilt seep into my thoughts.

5. Have at least 2 nights per week and at least one weekend day per month when I do something with J - just the two of us. Whether it is sharing a meal at our local pizza joint and playing a few video games, taking in a movie, playing a board game, or visiting some of our favorites places like the Children's Museum, the Zoo, or the Botanic Gardens, I want to spend some time with J alone to bond with him before he decides he isn't interested in time alone with Mommy. Additionally, this gives Daddy some much-needed downtime and time with his friends - both good things as well.

6. Have at least one date night per month with Doug. It is very hard to carve out time alone with your spouse with a little one constantly under foot. However, while it is important to do things alone with J, it is equally important to have some adult time alone too. Even if it is just a couple of hours to go watch a movie while J is home with a sitter, it is nice to just get away sometimes. I've already planned a Date Weekend for February and arranged for all-weekend babysitting. It doesn't get any better than that!

7. Pursue new hobbies. Last year, some friends and we started a small film project. I would like to see this through with the final editing of our first short documentary this year. This will require a lot of work but it is nice to know that even as I approach 40, this old dog can still learn a few new tricks. I would also like to try some new craft projects and techniques over the next year.

8. Try to make more of my gifts I give. I love handmade gifts. These are the gifts that, I believe, truly express how much a person cares. Now, that isn't to say that everyone should make their gifts. There are lots of people who don't enjoy this sort of thing and this endeavor isn't for them. However, for me, there is nothing more personal I could give to someone than a gift I spent my time making specifically for that person. So, along with the cooperation and creative collaboration with a friend of mine, we are endeavoring to have a Homemade Christmas where a large part of the gifts we give are hand made. Now, if I can just find time to complete a quarter of the ideas we've come up with!

New Year's Resolutions - Review of 2008

Well, in looking back, I didn't comment on my 2008 New Year's Resolutions past the 6 months mark. So, might as well review those before setting new ones.

1. Start getting up earlier in the morning (ugh) to allow time for exercise and to make J a healthy breakfast. I don't know why I set unrealistic goals for myself. I am not a morning person. I am not going to exercise in the morning because I feel awful every morning and I hate to exercise. Those are two things that shouldn't be combined. However, I saw the difference last year in how I felt when I was exercising and how I felt when I wasn't. So, this year I hope to do better. As for J's breakfast, I continue to buy healthy alternatives for him to encourage him starting his day with something healthy.

2. Paint at least one room in my house (my bedroom, the guest bathroom, and/or the guest room/playroom) and hire someone to paint my kitchen. Well, Joel's bathroom was the only room accomplished last year but we did complete his room this month (with a lot of help from our very dear and overly-generous friends). I'll continue with my efforts to get the whole house painted this year with a lot of help from those same wonderful friends who have already offered to help me paint my kitchen and master bedroom next month. God love 'em!

3. Make my front flowerbeds look presentable. Mostly thanks to my dad, my flower beds look pretty great. I'll need to do a little tending and replanting work this year to keep these looking good but the amount of work will be nothing compared to last year's now that the new brick edging has been installed to actually keep the dirt inside the bed and not floating down the sidewalk.

4. Lose some weight - any amount will do. This was my bust for last year. I lost about 5 pounds all year. I really shifted this resolution about half-way through the year to a focus more on fitness than on weight loss but, either way, I think I failed. I am hoping to be more dedicated to it this year.

5. Spend more time with my friends. Game night, anyone? We have spent a lot more time with friends over the last year than in years past and I've really enjoyed it. Whether it is strategy games, board games, or dinners with our friends here or costume, RockBand, and birthday parties with our out of town friends, it is always such a joy to spend time with them, laugh with them, share with them, and grow closer to them. We've also met some new people in the last year who have become good friends as well and that is always a blessing.