Expectations

There are many times I don't feel like a very good mother. Sometimes there are many times in a day or hour when I feel this way. Occasionally it is something "big" while most of the time it is a collection of things that, on their own, seem so inconsequential but which continuously pile up in the corners of my mind.

Last night was J's t-ball game. It was our night to provide snacks for the team after the game. I completely forgot to check the team calendar and make note of this small fact. If I had thought of it even up to 30 minutes into the game, one of us could have run to the store to grab some snacks and drinks. However, it was 5 minutes before the end of the game when someone asked, "Who brought snacks?" Immediately I knew it was probably supposed to be us when no one said anything. I apologized and no one seemed to really care but, as is my way, I mentally beat myself up about it for hours after the fact.

After we got home and J was fed, bathed, and had a few stories read to him, he asked me to be an Explorer with him. After investigating the "woods" in his room and the "forest" in the living room, "camping out" under a blanket "tent," and killing a bear with a single well-placed shot from a Nerf gun, we settled down on the sofa to watch a little Frog and Toad before bed.
I was still upset with myself for forgetting the snacks even though I knew it really didn't matter much. J, on the other hand, had long forgotten my Mommy Faux Pas. Without any prompting, he crawled up next to me, put his arms around me, and said, "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy anyone ever had in the whole world. I'm so glad to have you here with me always. I love you." And with that, he put his precious little head down on my chest.

If that isn't a way to snap anyone out of self pity mode, I don't know what would do it. I realized in that moment that what J needs from me isn't snacks at t-ball or new toys or trips to Disney World or any of the other things I want him to have but can't always give him. All he wants is my time, attention, and love. While I'm distracted and worrying, he thrives on a few minutes of make-believe, stories, and devotion.

I love my dear little one with all my heart. I love him more than I ever could have dreamed possible before he came into my world. I often feel that I'm not a good Mom... or maybe just not as good a Mom as I should be or want to be. However, some days I need to worry less about what I think I should be doing and just concentrate on what he really needs and wants from me. My expectations should be measured against his. If it is love he needs, I know he'll always have that in abundance.