It's Official... I am Old

You realize very quickly as you have kids and get older that birthdays are less important.  Just another day on the calendar.  You go to work, take care of the kids and the house, and the day comes and goes with little fanfare.  This is the year I officially turned old.  When you are young, there are parties and gifts and cakes.  When you are old, you realize that only your family really cares about making your birthday a priority.  They are the only ones who will set the evening, or the day, or even the weekend aside to do just what you want.  Everyone else is just too busy.  Too overbooked.  Too distracted to do the things you would like to do.  I have a special friend who spent my birthday weekend with me this year but it had been over a year since we even saw each other before that.  Made me realize that real life just gets in the way of our childish desires.  So, it's time to pass the torch to the younger generation.  To J and his peers.  Birthdays are for kids.

Singer/Songwriter

J loves to sing. He loves to sing mostly songs of his own creation. He will only sing when he thinks no one is listening. Almost every time, I forget the lyrics before I could even think of writing them down. However, Doug just passed along this chorus he overheard just now. Randy Travis, call your agent. We've got your next hit.

I love you.
I care for you
But I just can't take up with you right now.
No, no.

I'm a failure

So many times while raising an overly-intelligent son, I feel like a failure. Recently my husband and I were both laid off from our jobs due to a failing company in a failing economy. We had to sit J down to have a talk with him about spending, saving, and selling the only home in which he has lived. This is never a conversation a parent wants to have with their child and I wasn't sure how much of it he really got. Apparently more than I thought.

Earlier this week, J received a Valentine's card from one of his grandmothers. He tore the card open and read every word (a new skill he enjoys showing off). When he saw a ten dollar bill in the card, he handed it to Doug and said, "I'm going to give this to you to help with bills." I got tears in my eyes. Big, alligator ones. Obviously we let him keep his "Target money" (a term we've applied to "mad" money as that is his favorite store).

Later in the week, J's teacher stopped Doug at drop-off to tell him of another kind gesture of generosity from our little man. Apparently Arthur (of kiddie-book fame) is visiting J's school. If the kids buy a book, they can meet Arthur. J informed the teacher that he wouldn't be able to buy a book because "we need to save our money for things like food." She said that he was very matter-of-fact when informing her of this and not at all upset by it. Again, water welling up here.

At first blush, I felt like such a failure. I feel some days like I am failing him by not providing him with everything his heart desires. Then I realized I haven't failed him at all. He has so much that he doesn't mind at all being generous with everything he has. He is being taught real life lessons - that life doesn't always follow the plans we set aside. Life isn't fair a great deal of the time. Hard work doesn't always pay off. However, we keep trying and we pull together as a family - all contributing what we can in whatever ways we can. That makes me feel like anything but a failure.

Parenting is anything but easy. There are so many times I feel like a failure but I know that J learns more from how I react to crisis than to what I view as the actual crisis. His view of us being laid off is that we are home with him every day. We can play with him in the afternoons. He doesn't have to attend before and after school care for the first time since he was nine weeks old. He thinks this is the greatest time we've ever had together. I like his take on things!

I've come to realize...

I filled this out on Facebook but thought it was worth saving to use some of the questions in my About Me scrapbook.

1. I've come to realize that my job...
doesn’t define me. I’m glad for days I enjoy what I’m doing and endure the days I don’t because it is simply a means to an end at this point in my life. I’ll never make a lot of money and I won’t cure cancer. But, I’ll do the best I can each day to provide for my family.

2. I've come to realize that my TV...
is my one true vice. I admit I love it and watch way too much of it.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving....
people really piss me off. I’d like to have a paint gun attached to my car to tag bad drivers.

4. I've come to realize that I need....
some time to myself. The only child in me comes out from time to time and being a mom, wife, daughter, employee, friend, etc. all combined is sometimes more than I can give. I need a few minutes to regroup and find myself again so I am better at the things I need to do.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
my memory.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
people won’t just do what I want them to. Damn free will!

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
I don’t have any more fun than when I’m sober. I enjoy things differently now that I’m older.

8. I've come to realize that my money...
is never going to be my own. I’ve given up on the idea of money in the bank and expensive things around the house. I just try to get by month to month and give my son everything he needs to be successful – good school and that sort of thing.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
are not worth my time, attention, and worry. I’ve realized that life is too short to spend time with people who don’t add value to my life in many ways.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always....
be close to my family and a few select friends. They are a big part of what makes my life worthwhile.

11. I've come to realize that my sister/brother...
are the friends I’ve made who will be with me always. Though I don’t have biological brothers or sisters, I have the family I’ve chosen to surround myself with and I am so blessed to call them my brothers and sisters.

12. I’ve come to realize that my butt….
will always be big. I have embraced this reality and realize that no amount of dieting, exercise, yoga, Zumba, or anything else is going to change it significantly. “I like Big Butts and I can not lie.”

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
is quite possibly the most annoying thing I own. I hate talking on the phone and texts are expensive. Were it not for the fear of getting stranded on the side of a road somewhere, I’d likely throw it in the garbage.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
there is no sound in the world as awful as an alarm clock too early in the morning.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I had stayed up way too late and would pay for it this morning.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking....
I have so much to be thankful for in my life that the minor complaints are not even worth mentioning.

17. I've come to realize that my dad....
is a great role model and I wish everyone had half as good a dad as I do.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
I’ve lost touch with too many people in the past who I wish I had kept up with better all along.

19. I've come to realize that today...
is the beginning of MY weekend. Work might get me from 8am on Monday until 5pm on Friday but the weekends are all mine.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
I need to get some things done so I can enjoy the rest of my weekend.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
will be great because I’ll get to spend it with family and friends. It’s hard to beat that!

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
have as much time with Joel as I can before he grows up and doesn’t have as much time for me.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is....
bored like me.

24. I've come to realize that life...
is what you make of it.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
will be too short like all the rest.

26. I've come to realize the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is anything “fun” from 80s rock to Broadway musicals. Something that makes me smile instead of wallow in my own misery. I’m not good at “emo” and have little patience for people who are.

27. I've come to realize that my friends...
are unique individuals and I have to remember that, just like me, they have faults that make me irritated and traits that make me so lucky to call them friend.

28. I've come to realize that this year...
is fleeting – just like all the rest. I should enjoy the days as they come.

29. I've come to realize that my exes…
all taught me something and helped shape who I am today even if I don’t like to admit it.

30. I've come to realize maybe I should...
listen when Doug tells me “sometimes good enough is good enough.”

31. I've come to realize I love...
being a mom.

32. I've come to realize my past....
is what it is. Mistakes? Sure. Regrets? None.

33. I've come to realize that parties...
are good reasons to travel great distances to see people I wish I could see a lot more often.

34. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
of not being a good mom.

35. I've come to realize that my family...
is so important to me and I don’t know where or who I’d be without them.

36. I've come to realize that my life...
is pretty great and I couldn’t begin to count all of my blessings.

Cute J Comments

J is on vacation with my parents this week but I've been thinking back to a few of the cute things he said last week before he left.

Each morning, J and I get in the van and wait for Doug to get his stuff and lock up the house. Usually we are in the car for only a few minutes but sometimes it get up to five minutes or more that we are waiting. Every morning J tells me to "leave Daddy." I'll put the van in reverse and back up a foot or so and he'll laugh. One morning, Doug and I needed to drive separate cars. J and I got in the car and I was adjusting the radio and opening my soda and whatnot when J said, "Leave Daddy!" I said, "Okay!" and started backing out of the driveway. J hollered, "No, no!! I didn't mean it. I don't really want to leave Daddy." It took me five minutes to convince him we weren't really leaving Daddy.

On another morning while waiting for Doug J said, "Mommy, I already look like I'm six 'cause I'm big. I really should be six by now for as long as I've been growing."

My mom called last night and was telling me some things he's said to her already this week. My favorite was, "Why is it so hard to listen?" How true.