I've come to realize...

I filled this out on Facebook but thought it was worth saving to use some of the questions in my About Me scrapbook.

1. I've come to realize that my job...
doesn’t define me. I’m glad for days I enjoy what I’m doing and endure the days I don’t because it is simply a means to an end at this point in my life. I’ll never make a lot of money and I won’t cure cancer. But, I’ll do the best I can each day to provide for my family.

2. I've come to realize that my TV...
is my one true vice. I admit I love it and watch way too much of it.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving....
people really piss me off. I’d like to have a paint gun attached to my car to tag bad drivers.

4. I've come to realize that I need....
some time to myself. The only child in me comes out from time to time and being a mom, wife, daughter, employee, friend, etc. all combined is sometimes more than I can give. I need a few minutes to regroup and find myself again so I am better at the things I need to do.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
my memory.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
people won’t just do what I want them to. Damn free will!

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
I don’t have any more fun than when I’m sober. I enjoy things differently now that I’m older.

8. I've come to realize that my money...
is never going to be my own. I’ve given up on the idea of money in the bank and expensive things around the house. I just try to get by month to month and give my son everything he needs to be successful – good school and that sort of thing.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
are not worth my time, attention, and worry. I’ve realized that life is too short to spend time with people who don’t add value to my life in many ways.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always....
be close to my family and a few select friends. They are a big part of what makes my life worthwhile.

11. I've come to realize that my sister/brother...
are the friends I’ve made who will be with me always. Though I don’t have biological brothers or sisters, I have the family I’ve chosen to surround myself with and I am so blessed to call them my brothers and sisters.

12. I’ve come to realize that my butt….
will always be big. I have embraced this reality and realize that no amount of dieting, exercise, yoga, Zumba, or anything else is going to change it significantly. “I like Big Butts and I can not lie.”

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
is quite possibly the most annoying thing I own. I hate talking on the phone and texts are expensive. Were it not for the fear of getting stranded on the side of a road somewhere, I’d likely throw it in the garbage.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
there is no sound in the world as awful as an alarm clock too early in the morning.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I had stayed up way too late and would pay for it this morning.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking....
I have so much to be thankful for in my life that the minor complaints are not even worth mentioning.

17. I've come to realize that my dad....
is a great role model and I wish everyone had half as good a dad as I do.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
I’ve lost touch with too many people in the past who I wish I had kept up with better all along.

19. I've come to realize that today...
is the beginning of MY weekend. Work might get me from 8am on Monday until 5pm on Friday but the weekends are all mine.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
I need to get some things done so I can enjoy the rest of my weekend.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
will be great because I’ll get to spend it with family and friends. It’s hard to beat that!

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
have as much time with Joel as I can before he grows up and doesn’t have as much time for me.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is....
bored like me.

24. I've come to realize that life...
is what you make of it.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
will be too short like all the rest.

26. I've come to realize the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is anything “fun” from 80s rock to Broadway musicals. Something that makes me smile instead of wallow in my own misery. I’m not good at “emo” and have little patience for people who are.

27. I've come to realize that my friends...
are unique individuals and I have to remember that, just like me, they have faults that make me irritated and traits that make me so lucky to call them friend.

28. I've come to realize that this year...
is fleeting – just like all the rest. I should enjoy the days as they come.

29. I've come to realize that my exes…
all taught me something and helped shape who I am today even if I don’t like to admit it.

30. I've come to realize maybe I should...
listen when Doug tells me “sometimes good enough is good enough.”

31. I've come to realize I love...
being a mom.

32. I've come to realize my past....
is what it is. Mistakes? Sure. Regrets? None.

33. I've come to realize that parties...
are good reasons to travel great distances to see people I wish I could see a lot more often.

34. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
of not being a good mom.

35. I've come to realize that my family...
is so important to me and I don’t know where or who I’d be without them.

36. I've come to realize that my life...
is pretty great and I couldn’t begin to count all of my blessings.

Cute J Comments

J is on vacation with my parents this week but I've been thinking back to a few of the cute things he said last week before he left.

Each morning, J and I get in the van and wait for Doug to get his stuff and lock up the house. Usually we are in the car for only a few minutes but sometimes it get up to five minutes or more that we are waiting. Every morning J tells me to "leave Daddy." I'll put the van in reverse and back up a foot or so and he'll laugh. One morning, Doug and I needed to drive separate cars. J and I got in the car and I was adjusting the radio and opening my soda and whatnot when J said, "Leave Daddy!" I said, "Okay!" and started backing out of the driveway. J hollered, "No, no!! I didn't mean it. I don't really want to leave Daddy." It took me five minutes to convince him we weren't really leaving Daddy.

On another morning while waiting for Doug J said, "Mommy, I already look like I'm six 'cause I'm big. I really should be six by now for as long as I've been growing."

My mom called last night and was telling me some things he's said to her already this week. My favorite was, "Why is it so hard to listen?" How true.

A Trip to the Movies

I should start by saying that J has a very active imagination. He is also a very good story-teller. I don't mean he is good at lying because he isn't. When he attempts to lie about anything important, there are lots of "uhhhs" and "well...." He is typically the first to tell on himself when he's done something wrong because he doesn't even like to lie (most of the time). However, when he is spinning a yarn, he is a master. Additionally, he has a new imaginary friend who is the topic of many of these tales lately. His friend's name is Jason Cross. Jason can see and hear through doors and walls. Jason, although only 5-years old, knows how to drive a car. Jason, when the situation calls for it, can become invisible.

This morning J and I were sitting in the car waiting for Doug to lock up the house (a process that sometimes takes quite a while as he is very particular in this routine). So, J starts telling me that he has seen Sandlot (one of his new favorite movies though the movie was released straight to DVD in 2007) in a theater. I told him he hadn't but the conversation proceeded like this:

J: Yes, I have! The movie was in 3D too - not like the DVD. I went one day when you thought I was in school.
Me: Really? How did you get there?
J: Jason Cross drove us. He can drive, you know?
Me: Yes, I remember. So, when did you go?
J: Well, the movie started at 6:30 in the morning so we had to leave early.
(Side note - J is just rolling out of bed at 6:30 each morning but I didn't point this out.)
Me: Where did you get money to go to the movies?
J: We had some dollars so we used that to buy 15 popcorn.
(Much later in the discussion it was revealed that this was not, in fact, 15 boxes of popcorn but just 15 kernels of popcorn.)
Me: Okay. That's a lot of popcorn.
J: Yeah. Anyway, then we used gift cards to pay and we used tickets to get into the movie. We had to use credit cards to leave the movie.
Me: Sounds like you really thought this out ahead of time. So, you have to pay to leave the movie as well?
J: Yeah.
Me: So, who all went to the movie?
J: Well, Jason Cross. Me, of course. (laughs) Okay, now I'm not making this up but one of my friends who went is named Timber.
Me: Okay. Timber. I don't know him.
J: No. And then Limetonian but we call him just "Tony."
(Again, later in the conversation, J said that his name was not Limetonian and that I made that up. He also said it was mean of me to make up a name to call someone. Okay!)
Me: Limetonian? That's an unusual name.
J: Yeah. That's why we call him Tony. And D.P. Oh! And Rocky went too.
Me: That was quite a crowd. Did you all go in one car?
J: Yes, but it was a special car.

This conversation continued but started to unravel a bit. I love that J has such a vivid imagination. I suspect with the characters he enjoys creating, he will enjoy writing one day. In the meantime, I'll record some of his characters and tales so I can embarrass him with them some day.

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

I was thinking recently about all the jobs I've had over the years. What do these actually qualify me to do in the real world? Have I found any sort of expertise in holding down these jobs? Am I a better (or worse) person for these experiences? I love to make lists so here is another that is interesting to me.

All the jobs I've had to this point in my life:

babysitter (in high school I did this Monday through Friday year round - during the school year from 3:30 to 6pm and in the summer from 7am to 8pm)
piano teacher
paid and unpaid church nursery worker
retail store associate, cashier, and customer service rep
waitress
bartender
on-air DJ & production for a crappy little FM station
Avon Lady
undergrad research assistant
graduate assistant
college adjunct instructor
housekeeper/personal chef
temp (administrative)
promotional sales rep
promotional sales coordinator/buyer
manager of consumer research
marketing research analyst
Creative Memories consultant
office manager
field supervisor
greeting card display merchandiser
content management specialist

And the most important jobs I've had (and make no mistake, sometimes they can be real work), wife and mother. Mostly I feel like I've been a Jack of All Trades and Master of None. I wonder what my next opportunity will hold for me.

Expectations

There are many times I don't feel like a very good mother. Sometimes there are many times in a day or hour when I feel this way. Occasionally it is something "big" while most of the time it is a collection of things that, on their own, seem so inconsequential but which continuously pile up in the corners of my mind.

Last night was J's t-ball game. It was our night to provide snacks for the team after the game. I completely forgot to check the team calendar and make note of this small fact. If I had thought of it even up to 30 minutes into the game, one of us could have run to the store to grab some snacks and drinks. However, it was 5 minutes before the end of the game when someone asked, "Who brought snacks?" Immediately I knew it was probably supposed to be us when no one said anything. I apologized and no one seemed to really care but, as is my way, I mentally beat myself up about it for hours after the fact.

After we got home and J was fed, bathed, and had a few stories read to him, he asked me to be an Explorer with him. After investigating the "woods" in his room and the "forest" in the living room, "camping out" under a blanket "tent," and killing a bear with a single well-placed shot from a Nerf gun, we settled down on the sofa to watch a little Frog and Toad before bed.
I was still upset with myself for forgetting the snacks even though I knew it really didn't matter much. J, on the other hand, had long forgotten my Mommy Faux Pas. Without any prompting, he crawled up next to me, put his arms around me, and said, "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy anyone ever had in the whole world. I'm so glad to have you here with me always. I love you." And with that, he put his precious little head down on my chest.

If that isn't a way to snap anyone out of self pity mode, I don't know what would do it. I realized in that moment that what J needs from me isn't snacks at t-ball or new toys or trips to Disney World or any of the other things I want him to have but can't always give him. All he wants is my time, attention, and love. While I'm distracted and worrying, he thrives on a few minutes of make-believe, stories, and devotion.

I love my dear little one with all my heart. I love him more than I ever could have dreamed possible before he came into my world. I often feel that I'm not a good Mom... or maybe just not as good a Mom as I should be or want to be. However, some days I need to worry less about what I think I should be doing and just concentrate on what he really needs and wants from me. My expectations should be measured against his. If it is love he needs, I know he'll always have that in abundance.