It's Official... I am Old

You realize very quickly as you have kids and get older that birthdays are less important.  Just another day on the calendar.  You go to work, take care of the kids and the house, and the day comes and goes with little fanfare.  This is the year I officially turned old.  When you are young, there are parties and gifts and cakes.  When you are old, you realize that only your family really cares about making your birthday a priority.  They are the only ones who will set the evening, or the day, or even the weekend aside to do just what you want.  Everyone else is just too busy.  Too overbooked.  Too distracted to do the things you would like to do.  I have a special friend who spent my birthday weekend with me this year but it had been over a year since we even saw each other before that.  Made me realize that real life just gets in the way of our childish desires.  So, it's time to pass the torch to the younger generation.  To J and his peers.  Birthdays are for kids.

Singer/Songwriter

J loves to sing. He loves to sing mostly songs of his own creation. He will only sing when he thinks no one is listening. Almost every time, I forget the lyrics before I could even think of writing them down. However, Doug just passed along this chorus he overheard just now. Randy Travis, call your agent. We've got your next hit.

I love you.
I care for you
But I just can't take up with you right now.
No, no.

I'm a failure

So many times while raising an overly-intelligent son, I feel like a failure. Recently my husband and I were both laid off from our jobs due to a failing company in a failing economy. We had to sit J down to have a talk with him about spending, saving, and selling the only home in which he has lived. This is never a conversation a parent wants to have with their child and I wasn't sure how much of it he really got. Apparently more than I thought.

Earlier this week, J received a Valentine's card from one of his grandmothers. He tore the card open and read every word (a new skill he enjoys showing off). When he saw a ten dollar bill in the card, he handed it to Doug and said, "I'm going to give this to you to help with bills." I got tears in my eyes. Big, alligator ones. Obviously we let him keep his "Target money" (a term we've applied to "mad" money as that is his favorite store).

Later in the week, J's teacher stopped Doug at drop-off to tell him of another kind gesture of generosity from our little man. Apparently Arthur (of kiddie-book fame) is visiting J's school. If the kids buy a book, they can meet Arthur. J informed the teacher that he wouldn't be able to buy a book because "we need to save our money for things like food." She said that he was very matter-of-fact when informing her of this and not at all upset by it. Again, water welling up here.

At first blush, I felt like such a failure. I feel some days like I am failing him by not providing him with everything his heart desires. Then I realized I haven't failed him at all. He has so much that he doesn't mind at all being generous with everything he has. He is being taught real life lessons - that life doesn't always follow the plans we set aside. Life isn't fair a great deal of the time. Hard work doesn't always pay off. However, we keep trying and we pull together as a family - all contributing what we can in whatever ways we can. That makes me feel like anything but a failure.

Parenting is anything but easy. There are so many times I feel like a failure but I know that J learns more from how I react to crisis than to what I view as the actual crisis. His view of us being laid off is that we are home with him every day. We can play with him in the afternoons. He doesn't have to attend before and after school care for the first time since he was nine weeks old. He thinks this is the greatest time we've ever had together. I like his take on things!

I've come to realize...

I filled this out on Facebook but thought it was worth saving to use some of the questions in my About Me scrapbook.

1. I've come to realize that my job...
doesn’t define me. I’m glad for days I enjoy what I’m doing and endure the days I don’t because it is simply a means to an end at this point in my life. I’ll never make a lot of money and I won’t cure cancer. But, I’ll do the best I can each day to provide for my family.

2. I've come to realize that my TV...
is my one true vice. I admit I love it and watch way too much of it.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving....
people really piss me off. I’d like to have a paint gun attached to my car to tag bad drivers.

4. I've come to realize that I need....
some time to myself. The only child in me comes out from time to time and being a mom, wife, daughter, employee, friend, etc. all combined is sometimes more than I can give. I need a few minutes to regroup and find myself again so I am better at the things I need to do.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
my memory.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
people won’t just do what I want them to. Damn free will!

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
I don’t have any more fun than when I’m sober. I enjoy things differently now that I’m older.

8. I've come to realize that my money...
is never going to be my own. I’ve given up on the idea of money in the bank and expensive things around the house. I just try to get by month to month and give my son everything he needs to be successful – good school and that sort of thing.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
are not worth my time, attention, and worry. I’ve realized that life is too short to spend time with people who don’t add value to my life in many ways.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always....
be close to my family and a few select friends. They are a big part of what makes my life worthwhile.

11. I've come to realize that my sister/brother...
are the friends I’ve made who will be with me always. Though I don’t have biological brothers or sisters, I have the family I’ve chosen to surround myself with and I am so blessed to call them my brothers and sisters.

12. I’ve come to realize that my butt….
will always be big. I have embraced this reality and realize that no amount of dieting, exercise, yoga, Zumba, or anything else is going to change it significantly. “I like Big Butts and I can not lie.”

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
is quite possibly the most annoying thing I own. I hate talking on the phone and texts are expensive. Were it not for the fear of getting stranded on the side of a road somewhere, I’d likely throw it in the garbage.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
there is no sound in the world as awful as an alarm clock too early in the morning.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I had stayed up way too late and would pay for it this morning.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking....
I have so much to be thankful for in my life that the minor complaints are not even worth mentioning.

17. I've come to realize that my dad....
is a great role model and I wish everyone had half as good a dad as I do.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
I’ve lost touch with too many people in the past who I wish I had kept up with better all along.

19. I've come to realize that today...
is the beginning of MY weekend. Work might get me from 8am on Monday until 5pm on Friday but the weekends are all mine.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
I need to get some things done so I can enjoy the rest of my weekend.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
will be great because I’ll get to spend it with family and friends. It’s hard to beat that!

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
have as much time with Joel as I can before he grows up and doesn’t have as much time for me.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is....
bored like me.

24. I've come to realize that life...
is what you make of it.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
will be too short like all the rest.

26. I've come to realize the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is anything “fun” from 80s rock to Broadway musicals. Something that makes me smile instead of wallow in my own misery. I’m not good at “emo” and have little patience for people who are.

27. I've come to realize that my friends...
are unique individuals and I have to remember that, just like me, they have faults that make me irritated and traits that make me so lucky to call them friend.

28. I've come to realize that this year...
is fleeting – just like all the rest. I should enjoy the days as they come.

29. I've come to realize that my exes…
all taught me something and helped shape who I am today even if I don’t like to admit it.

30. I've come to realize maybe I should...
listen when Doug tells me “sometimes good enough is good enough.”

31. I've come to realize I love...
being a mom.

32. I've come to realize my past....
is what it is. Mistakes? Sure. Regrets? None.

33. I've come to realize that parties...
are good reasons to travel great distances to see people I wish I could see a lot more often.

34. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
of not being a good mom.

35. I've come to realize that my family...
is so important to me and I don’t know where or who I’d be without them.

36. I've come to realize that my life...
is pretty great and I couldn’t begin to count all of my blessings.

Cute J Comments

J is on vacation with my parents this week but I've been thinking back to a few of the cute things he said last week before he left.

Each morning, J and I get in the van and wait for Doug to get his stuff and lock up the house. Usually we are in the car for only a few minutes but sometimes it get up to five minutes or more that we are waiting. Every morning J tells me to "leave Daddy." I'll put the van in reverse and back up a foot or so and he'll laugh. One morning, Doug and I needed to drive separate cars. J and I got in the car and I was adjusting the radio and opening my soda and whatnot when J said, "Leave Daddy!" I said, "Okay!" and started backing out of the driveway. J hollered, "No, no!! I didn't mean it. I don't really want to leave Daddy." It took me five minutes to convince him we weren't really leaving Daddy.

On another morning while waiting for Doug J said, "Mommy, I already look like I'm six 'cause I'm big. I really should be six by now for as long as I've been growing."

My mom called last night and was telling me some things he's said to her already this week. My favorite was, "Why is it so hard to listen?" How true.

A Trip to the Movies

I should start by saying that J has a very active imagination. He is also a very good story-teller. I don't mean he is good at lying because he isn't. When he attempts to lie about anything important, there are lots of "uhhhs" and "well...." He is typically the first to tell on himself when he's done something wrong because he doesn't even like to lie (most of the time). However, when he is spinning a yarn, he is a master. Additionally, he has a new imaginary friend who is the topic of many of these tales lately. His friend's name is Jason Cross. Jason can see and hear through doors and walls. Jason, although only 5-years old, knows how to drive a car. Jason, when the situation calls for it, can become invisible.

This morning J and I were sitting in the car waiting for Doug to lock up the house (a process that sometimes takes quite a while as he is very particular in this routine). So, J starts telling me that he has seen Sandlot (one of his new favorite movies though the movie was released straight to DVD in 2007) in a theater. I told him he hadn't but the conversation proceeded like this:

J: Yes, I have! The movie was in 3D too - not like the DVD. I went one day when you thought I was in school.
Me: Really? How did you get there?
J: Jason Cross drove us. He can drive, you know?
Me: Yes, I remember. So, when did you go?
J: Well, the movie started at 6:30 in the morning so we had to leave early.
(Side note - J is just rolling out of bed at 6:30 each morning but I didn't point this out.)
Me: Where did you get money to go to the movies?
J: We had some dollars so we used that to buy 15 popcorn.
(Much later in the discussion it was revealed that this was not, in fact, 15 boxes of popcorn but just 15 kernels of popcorn.)
Me: Okay. That's a lot of popcorn.
J: Yeah. Anyway, then we used gift cards to pay and we used tickets to get into the movie. We had to use credit cards to leave the movie.
Me: Sounds like you really thought this out ahead of time. So, you have to pay to leave the movie as well?
J: Yeah.
Me: So, who all went to the movie?
J: Well, Jason Cross. Me, of course. (laughs) Okay, now I'm not making this up but one of my friends who went is named Timber.
Me: Okay. Timber. I don't know him.
J: No. And then Limetonian but we call him just "Tony."
(Again, later in the conversation, J said that his name was not Limetonian and that I made that up. He also said it was mean of me to make up a name to call someone. Okay!)
Me: Limetonian? That's an unusual name.
J: Yeah. That's why we call him Tony. And D.P. Oh! And Rocky went too.
Me: That was quite a crowd. Did you all go in one car?
J: Yes, but it was a special car.

This conversation continued but started to unravel a bit. I love that J has such a vivid imagination. I suspect with the characters he enjoys creating, he will enjoy writing one day. In the meantime, I'll record some of his characters and tales so I can embarrass him with them some day.

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

I was thinking recently about all the jobs I've had over the years. What do these actually qualify me to do in the real world? Have I found any sort of expertise in holding down these jobs? Am I a better (or worse) person for these experiences? I love to make lists so here is another that is interesting to me.

All the jobs I've had to this point in my life:

babysitter (in high school I did this Monday through Friday year round - during the school year from 3:30 to 6pm and in the summer from 7am to 8pm)
piano teacher
paid and unpaid church nursery worker
retail store associate, cashier, and customer service rep
waitress
bartender
on-air DJ & production for a crappy little FM station
Avon Lady
undergrad research assistant
graduate assistant
college adjunct instructor
housekeeper/personal chef
temp (administrative)
promotional sales rep
promotional sales coordinator/buyer
manager of consumer research
marketing research analyst
Creative Memories consultant
office manager
field supervisor
greeting card display merchandiser
content management specialist

And the most important jobs I've had (and make no mistake, sometimes they can be real work), wife and mother. Mostly I feel like I've been a Jack of All Trades and Master of None. I wonder what my next opportunity will hold for me.

Expectations

There are many times I don't feel like a very good mother. Sometimes there are many times in a day or hour when I feel this way. Occasionally it is something "big" while most of the time it is a collection of things that, on their own, seem so inconsequential but which continuously pile up in the corners of my mind.

Last night was J's t-ball game. It was our night to provide snacks for the team after the game. I completely forgot to check the team calendar and make note of this small fact. If I had thought of it even up to 30 minutes into the game, one of us could have run to the store to grab some snacks and drinks. However, it was 5 minutes before the end of the game when someone asked, "Who brought snacks?" Immediately I knew it was probably supposed to be us when no one said anything. I apologized and no one seemed to really care but, as is my way, I mentally beat myself up about it for hours after the fact.

After we got home and J was fed, bathed, and had a few stories read to him, he asked me to be an Explorer with him. After investigating the "woods" in his room and the "forest" in the living room, "camping out" under a blanket "tent," and killing a bear with a single well-placed shot from a Nerf gun, we settled down on the sofa to watch a little Frog and Toad before bed.
I was still upset with myself for forgetting the snacks even though I knew it really didn't matter much. J, on the other hand, had long forgotten my Mommy Faux Pas. Without any prompting, he crawled up next to me, put his arms around me, and said, "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy anyone ever had in the whole world. I'm so glad to have you here with me always. I love you." And with that, he put his precious little head down on my chest.

If that isn't a way to snap anyone out of self pity mode, I don't know what would do it. I realized in that moment that what J needs from me isn't snacks at t-ball or new toys or trips to Disney World or any of the other things I want him to have but can't always give him. All he wants is my time, attention, and love. While I'm distracted and worrying, he thrives on a few minutes of make-believe, stories, and devotion.

I love my dear little one with all my heart. I love him more than I ever could have dreamed possible before he came into my world. I often feel that I'm not a good Mom... or maybe just not as good a Mom as I should be or want to be. However, some days I need to worry less about what I think I should be doing and just concentrate on what he really needs and wants from me. My expectations should be measured against his. If it is love he needs, I know he'll always have that in abundance.

Funny Things

J made a funny somewhat-metaphysical observation last night that is still making me laugh.

"If the world was a cup and heaven was a straw, would God be in the straw?"

Then this morning, Doug made an equally funny comment when he saw a guy wearing flip flops (a personal pet peeve of his).

"If I see a guy wearing flip flops, I have to wonder if he even has on clean underwear." He went on to explain that if the guy can't even be bothered to put on shoes, he probably can't be bothered to do any basic personal hygiene either. The comment alone was priceless though.

Good stuff to start my weekend off right!

Progress Report

New Year's Resolutions - February Update

Has it really been almost two months since New Year's presented us with our fresh start and compulsion to be resolute? Well, here is my progress:

1. Establish a better exercise routine. I enrolled J in swim lessons at the gym which has had the added benefit of forcing me to go to the gym some nights when I would have otherwise blown it off. I've tried to go a minimum of twice a week. Three times would be better.

2. Get the house ready to sell. Well on my way here. With the help of two outstanding friends, I got the kitchen/dining area, entrance way, and master bedroom painted. To get ready for that undertaking, I emptied everything out of those rooms and have tried very hard to not put everything back. I started three boxes in the garage for consignment sale and Veterans donations and have thrown away untold numbers of garbage cans full of stuff. The cleansing (both of the actual stuff and letting go of the mess mentally) has been therapeutic for me. And my house looks really good (for the most part). I do have a guest room piled up with stuff still needing to be sorted. That is next week's evening project.

3. Pay down our debt as much as possible. Always continuing with this struggle. I get so discouraged thinking we will never be financially secure. I so wish for money in the bank. But, I know to just keep plugging away.

4. Spend more time on my hobbies without feeling guilty. I spent a whole evening rearranging and straightening my scrapbook area. I went to see our babysitter in a play at her school. I'm trying to carve out a tiny bit of time to focus on me. With laundry and decluttering and shuttling J around, it is hard but I see the extreme importance in making time for just me.

5. Have at least 2 nights per week and at least one weekend day per month when I do something with J - just the two of us. Check.

6. Have at least one date night per month with Doug. Check. We are actually heading out on vacation for the weekend today. I've also put in a request for our babysitter for a movie weekend Doug is looking forward to. Even with money woes and job security issues and bills piled high on the kitchen counter, I know that getting away from it all and having time alone is just as important as those negatives. And, a mini escape is a lot cheaper than therapy!

7. Pursue new hobbies. With my home decorating and cleaning projects over the last month I haven't started this at all. Mark a star by this one and see what I can do! I have checked out a lot of library books on various new things to try. Does that count?

8. Try to make more of my gifts I give. Again, I've been reading a lot of library books and online how-tos. I'll get to this! My friend Tina and I have already started trying to pin down our first get-together date to get started.

What a Wonderful Life

I think a lot about things I want to do and things I haven’t (yet) done. However, my son’s thankful spirit this week made me turn to look at the past and things I am thankful I have done or been exposed to or things I’ve seen. This is by no means an all-inclusive list but just the first few things that popped into my head today. Some are big things that have affected my life, others are luxuries I’m glad I got to experience at least once, and some are in between somewhere.

1. Marrying Doug. I never believed in love at first sight or falling in love only once or even soul mates when I was younger. However, I did find my soul mate in Doug. He “gets” me and he puts up with me and he encourages me and, when no one else in the world can, he makes me think and appreciate and laugh. He loves me despite all the reasons he shouldn’t and he supports me even when he might not agree with me. He is the best decision I’ve ever made.
2. Having a baby. I am so blessed to have the wonderful son that I do. He is smart and loving and difficult and stubborn and I love him more than I ever thought was possible.
3. Buying a home. Just the experience of buying a home is a valuable learning experience but then add to that the maintenance and upkeep and financing and this becomes something that I’m glad I’m able to do. I love having a place that is all my own – an oasis from the rest of the world.
4. Visiting another country. I’ve only been to two other countries but both experiences were great!
5. Going on a cruise. I love traveling this way and, even though my finances don’t allow it, I still look back with great fondness on this vacation.
6. Staying at luxury hotels. Again, my finances don’t allow this but I’m thankful to have stayed at the historic Hotel Monteleone in New Orleans and at the Four Seasons in Vancouver.
7. Talking with a senator and a congressman in their offices in Washington, D.C. It is nice to be told you have a voice and that there are people to listen at a young age. I met with these people when I was a junior and again when I was a senior in high school on two separate educational trips.
8. Getting a good education. My parents did everything they could to provide me with the best possible foundation and I am so grateful for that.
9. Traveling. My mom told me one time when I was about 13 that I had already been more places by that age than she had been in her whole life. That luxury was never lost on me. When I was growing up, I would stay with my grandparents for two weeks every summer and they would often take me places. Additionally, my parents would take us on a vacation every year – even if just a very small one. I traveled out of the country for the first time when I was a senior in high school and I appreciated that opportunity and realized, even then, that I was being granted opportunities that many people never get in their entire lives. I love to travel and always have.
10. Having a good relationship with my family. We have our ups and downs like any family but I’ve always known that no matter what, my family would love me and support me. That makes even the toughest times easier to bear.

It takes so little to make us happy sometimes

I am not a morning person. I know lots of people say this but I’m not sure how many people truly mean it the way I do. I really hate to not only get up in the morning but I hate to be awakened in the morning. If I am allowed 20 or 30 minutes to ease into the day, I can make adjustments. However, if someone wakes me up or the alarm rings and I have to jump straight up out of the bed, it literally starts my day off in a very bad way. Unfortunately, my son inherited this gene from me. This morning I was trying to wake J up earlier than usual. He squinted his eyes against the light and gave me a sour look. He turned over to go back to sleep. When I tried to wake him again, he rolled over, looked at me, and in a surprisingly sweet voice said, “The bed is the perfect place that I need to be right now.” He then rolled over and went back to sleep as if that pronouncement should end all discussion. This morning I agreed to let that be the case and he got a few extra minutes of sleep.

The other precious quote of his that I wanted to record today was from last night. I was supervising J getting ready for bed and he walked over to his hamper to drop his clothes in. He looked down into the empty hamper then looked over at me and said, “Mommy, you washed all of my clothes. Thank you! I want to give you a hug.” He ran over and gave me a big hug and kiss and thanked me again. I almost got choked up. So many thankless tasks go into keeping a house running smoothly that we often forget to say thank you to those who take care of us. I know I was likely very guilty of forgetting to say thank you to my mom over the years. I am also guilty of forgetting to thank my hubby for the numerous things he does though I do try to let him know I appreciate all he does. However, this tiny recognition of my efforts brought a little joy into my heart last night. It is good to know that I am raising a son who is thoughtful and thankful and expressive and generous with his love.

New Year's Resolutions - 2009

I won't go into a lot of detail about these now. I really just want to put them down on "paper" so I will be reminded of them frequently.

1. Establish a better exercise routine. I was actually doing pretty well with this last year until my favorite aerobics class at the gym was moved to an inconvenient time and I was left to make my own weight-lifting routine. I went some but it was intermittent and I need to do better this year.

2. Get the house ready to sell. As we look to the future and hope to move to Alabama in the next 18 months (job market allowing), I need to get some painting, organizing, cleaning, and throwing away done. I started with J's room and it has been mostly freed of old toys, clothes, and furniture. (Too bad all that stuff is now just piled up in my guest room.) But hey - J's room looks amazing and SO CLEAN! The next two rooms to tackle are my bedroom and the kitchen. It isn't pleasant but it must be done.

3. Pay down our debt as much as possible. With job security being unpredictable, I will continue to pay down our debt with any available extra money I can find. This isn't really a resolution, I guess, so much as an on-going venture. I sometimes yearn for the vacations and big screen TVs and even some smaller trinkets and treasures that I see all around me but know that the bulk of our money must go to grad school loans, mortgage payments, and private school tuition for J among other debt. It really only takes one look into little J's eyes to know why we work hard for the money that we can't even keep. We strive to make a better future for the apple of our eyes.

4. Spend more time on my hobbies without feeling guilty. I have a wonderful husband. I know lots of women say that but it is true. He will let me run off to pursue things I want to do at any time. The problem? I feel terribly guilty about it most of the time. Too much time away from home or too much money or J isn't good while I am away and I should have been there to help. Whatever the thought at the time - it is always the same outcome... Guilt. I am going to try this year to take some time just for me and not let guilt seep into my thoughts.

5. Have at least 2 nights per week and at least one weekend day per month when I do something with J - just the two of us. Whether it is sharing a meal at our local pizza joint and playing a few video games, taking in a movie, playing a board game, or visiting some of our favorites places like the Children's Museum, the Zoo, or the Botanic Gardens, I want to spend some time with J alone to bond with him before he decides he isn't interested in time alone with Mommy. Additionally, this gives Daddy some much-needed downtime and time with his friends - both good things as well.

6. Have at least one date night per month with Doug. It is very hard to carve out time alone with your spouse with a little one constantly under foot. However, while it is important to do things alone with J, it is equally important to have some adult time alone too. Even if it is just a couple of hours to go watch a movie while J is home with a sitter, it is nice to just get away sometimes. I've already planned a Date Weekend for February and arranged for all-weekend babysitting. It doesn't get any better than that!

7. Pursue new hobbies. Last year, some friends and we started a small film project. I would like to see this through with the final editing of our first short documentary this year. This will require a lot of work but it is nice to know that even as I approach 40, this old dog can still learn a few new tricks. I would also like to try some new craft projects and techniques over the next year.

8. Try to make more of my gifts I give. I love handmade gifts. These are the gifts that, I believe, truly express how much a person cares. Now, that isn't to say that everyone should make their gifts. There are lots of people who don't enjoy this sort of thing and this endeavor isn't for them. However, for me, there is nothing more personal I could give to someone than a gift I spent my time making specifically for that person. So, along with the cooperation and creative collaboration with a friend of mine, we are endeavoring to have a Homemade Christmas where a large part of the gifts we give are hand made. Now, if I can just find time to complete a quarter of the ideas we've come up with!

New Year's Resolutions - Review of 2008

Well, in looking back, I didn't comment on my 2008 New Year's Resolutions past the 6 months mark. So, might as well review those before setting new ones.

1. Start getting up earlier in the morning (ugh) to allow time for exercise and to make J a healthy breakfast. I don't know why I set unrealistic goals for myself. I am not a morning person. I am not going to exercise in the morning because I feel awful every morning and I hate to exercise. Those are two things that shouldn't be combined. However, I saw the difference last year in how I felt when I was exercising and how I felt when I wasn't. So, this year I hope to do better. As for J's breakfast, I continue to buy healthy alternatives for him to encourage him starting his day with something healthy.

2. Paint at least one room in my house (my bedroom, the guest bathroom, and/or the guest room/playroom) and hire someone to paint my kitchen. Well, Joel's bathroom was the only room accomplished last year but we did complete his room this month (with a lot of help from our very dear and overly-generous friends). I'll continue with my efforts to get the whole house painted this year with a lot of help from those same wonderful friends who have already offered to help me paint my kitchen and master bedroom next month. God love 'em!

3. Make my front flowerbeds look presentable. Mostly thanks to my dad, my flower beds look pretty great. I'll need to do a little tending and replanting work this year to keep these looking good but the amount of work will be nothing compared to last year's now that the new brick edging has been installed to actually keep the dirt inside the bed and not floating down the sidewalk.

4. Lose some weight - any amount will do. This was my bust for last year. I lost about 5 pounds all year. I really shifted this resolution about half-way through the year to a focus more on fitness than on weight loss but, either way, I think I failed. I am hoping to be more dedicated to it this year.

5. Spend more time with my friends. Game night, anyone? We have spent a lot more time with friends over the last year than in years past and I've really enjoyed it. Whether it is strategy games, board games, or dinners with our friends here or costume, RockBand, and birthday parties with our out of town friends, it is always such a joy to spend time with them, laugh with them, share with them, and grow closer to them. We've also met some new people in the last year who have become good friends as well and that is always a blessing.

From the mouths of babes

I often tease J that he is an 82 year old man in a 4 year old body. He complains of back aches to get out of going to school and claims he can barely stand up unassisted when I try to get him dressed. He also says things that no little man ought to say.
We were walking through the grocery store last Friday night when he put his hand on mine as I was pushing the grocery cart. "Mimi," he said in that sweet voice of his, "do you wish I was still a baby?" I paused a minute, considering the question. "Only occasionally," I said. "I do miss you cuddling with me every night." He thought for a moment then said, "You can cuddle with me whenever you want but time has a way of changing." He then got distracted by the vast choices in cereal and pursued a more important discussion on why I should buy some sugar-encrusted cereal instead of the one in my hand.
Another point of interest lately for me is his desire to call me "Mimi" instead of "Mommy." He started this one day after we were having a conversation about names that went something like this:

J: "Mommy, why did you name me J----?"
Me: "Well, my grandfather who meant a great deal to me AND your daddy's grandfather were both named J----. We thought it would be a good name and a strong name for you to live up to and would also honor those people we loved."
J: "I wish you had named me George."
Me: "Why?"
J: "Because I love my PaPa." (J's grandfather is named George.)
Me: "That would have been a good name as well. You are right about that."
J: "Can I call you any name I want like you called me any name you wanted?"
Me: "That depends." (I was leary at this point.)
J: "I want to call you Mimi because no one else calls their Mommy Mimi."

Seems reasonable enough. So, about a third of the time now, I am Mimi and the rest of the time I suspect he forgets and I am Mommy. It is actually quite adorable when he says it. I doubt it will last long but you never know.
It's funny to me how that little mind works. Things that just don't occur to me on a daily basis are issues of great import to him. I wish I could crawl into that little old soul and just see what's going on in that brain for an hour or two. I imagine it would go something like this with topics changing about every 6 seconds: Star Wars fight - I'm hungry - Want to watch Curious George - Can I have candy? - Why am I named what I am? - Ghostbusters! - I'm hungry - Would you please? Could you please? Please won't you be my neighbor? - Fruit Snacks! Where are they? - "Daddy!" - Where are my Batman figures I just got? - Where is my magic wand? - There's Daddy! - "Let's play Star Wars." - I want to be Peter Pan. - and on and on and on and.......

A Little Sponge

I am often astounded at how fast kids learn. One minute they are bundled up in your arms, fresh from the hospital, and the next they are writing and reading. The time flies by too quickly and yet, it makes me swell with pride.
J has always been an enthusiastic learner and yet, now that he is learning to read and write, it seems he can't learn fast enough to quench his thirst for more. He truly is a sponge just absorbing everything around him. This weekend he wanted to "play a game" with me. The game consisted of him thinking of words, asking me how to spell them, and him writing them on a dry erase board. We did this for about an hour before I had to leave to go somewhere and had to promise him that Daddy would take over where I left off.
As he learns Spanish, sign language, and computers in conjunction with reading and writing in K4, it is no secret that he will be far more educated than his parents in no time at all. I fear the day when I am unable to help him with his homework because it is just beyond my capabilities. By starting computer classes at age 2 while I started at age 15, how far along will he be by the time he reaches age 15? Also, what of the kids who aren't in good schools and don't have the advantages that he does. Do they get completely left behind when it comes time to apply to colleges and get good jobs? By the time J graduates from high school, he will have 16 years of computer classes under his belt not to mention untold hours of educational computer programs at home (even if he calls them "games" also).
It is a changing world and I am thankful J has the resources available to him to compete when he gets older. I only hope that he can look back and remember all the fun stuff as well - even if the "fun stuff" to him involves spelling words on a dry erase board. At least I bought him a dry erase board with Batman on it.

100 Things To Do Before I Die - part 2

Last year I posted my master list of things I want to do and places I want to see before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Recently I got to cross off one more item from this list and I enjoyed it so much, I hope to go again as often as possible in the future. The newly-completed goal is number 47 - raft on a level four rapid. Doug and I went to Chattanooga for a long weekend and ventured over to the Ocoee River for a morning of white water rafting. Doug was a little nervous having never been before but the rafting bug bit him and, by the time we reached the final rapid that morning, he was already talking about "our next rafting trip." I can't wait!! The rapid fire level four rapids were exciting and make me crave more of the same.

I've highlighted my newly accomplished goal and duplicated the entire list here as a reminder of what I want to choose next. After all, I still hope to complete a minimum of 15 of these before I turn 40. Now just two more to reach that goal (which makes me wish I had challenged myself to 20 before age 40!).


Original list from 2000:
1. Graduate from college (completed December 17, 1993)
2. Marry my Prince Charming (wedding date August 10, 1996)
3. Take an Alaskan cruise (dream vacation started August 11, 1996 - honeymoon!)
4. Buy a new home (contract signed to start construction on November 19, 1999)
5. Get all of my photos into scrapbooks (completed in August 2002 - I stayed caught up for three days until I started a new roll of film and haven't been caught up again since. The 17 rolls of film in Las Vegas, the Hoover Dam, and the Grand Canyon one month later certainly didn't help!)
6. Finish at least 20 scrapbooks (currently have 13 complete and 4 in process)
7. Pay off all bills and buy something fun
8. Lose 25 pounds (now I need to modify this to lose at least 40 pounds but 25 would be a start!)
9. See the Grand Canyon (completed September 2002)
10. Go to a weekend scrapbooking retreat or convention (first one was in May of 2001 and I've been to several since)
11. Have a child (My beautiful little J arrived on April 3, 2004)
12. See another Broadway show (saw my first one while in high school and saw the equivalent of one in London but am always up for another)
13. Adopt a puppy (This one would probably fall off my list now as I've seen the trouble they are for people who like to travel even for a weekend.)
14. Be a Stay at Home Mom (I would love this so much more now than I ever thought possible when I wrote this.)
15. Take Doug to the Smithsonian Museums (Although I've been 4 or 5 times, Doug hasn't been yet and I think that is a tragedy as much as he likes history and museums.)
16. See all 50 US states (29 down, 21 to go! Airports or just driving through don't count - I have to stay the night and/or see at least one "site.")
17. Buy a new car (not "previously owned" - I know this is extremely wasteful and frivolous but just once it would be nice to own a car that has never belonged to anyone else.)
18.Take a photography course
19. Learn to paint
20. See Mt. Rushmore
21. Visit a volcano
22. Ride in a hot air balloon
23. Visit Yellowstone National Park
24. Ride in a helicopter
25. Take a cooking course
26. Watch a sunset from Central Park (I've been to Central Park but would just like to stop the frantic sight-seeing and enjoy the sun setting over the city's impressive skyline.)
27. Have three months' salary in savings
28. Take a vacation with Doug, Mom, Dad, Sam, and Sandra (completed in September 2002 with our trip to Las Vegas, the Hoover Dam, and the Grand Canyon and again in May 2007 with J's first trip to Gulf Shores, AL to see the beach)
29. Visit Russia
30. See the Hollywood sign
31. Visit New England in the Fall
32. Celebrate 10 years of marriage (completed August 10, 2006)
33. Spend a whole week at a Bed and Breakfast (Doug and I spent a weekend at one years ago and it whet my appetite for sure.)
34. Ride a train through Europe
35. Smile and laugh more often (Someone asked me, "How will you document this one in a scrapbook." I have no idea but it is a wonderful goal to have each and every day.)
36. Snow ski
37. Visit Ireland
38. Go on another cruise (anywhere!)
39. Visit Vancouver again (Doug and I only had one night in Vancouver on our honeymoon and we really want to see more of it.)
40. Visit Germany (my dream vacation destination)
41. Own a piano
42. Celebrate 25 years of marriage (only 14 more to go!)
43. Celebrate 50 years of marriage (only 39 more to go!)
44. Retire while I am still young and healthy enough to travel and enjoy myself

Items added in 2005:
45. Ride the hills of San Francisco on a streetcar
46. Attend a TV show taping
47. Go white water rafting on a level 4 rapid (the most difficult one I've been on is a 3)
48. Meet someone famous
49. Go sailing (I went once on a little catamaran but neither me nor the other person aboard knew what we were doing and generally just fell off the thing a lot.)
50. Swim with the dolphins
51. Ride in a go cart
52. Go scuba diving or snorkeling
53. Visit a spa for a massage (Completed with Doug in Memphis in the Summer of 2006 and again at the Marriott in Florence, AL in August 2006.)
54. See the lights of Christmas in Manhattan
55. Go horse back riding (I haven't ridden a horse since I was a teenager.)
56. See the Great Pyramid in Giza, Egypt
57. See the Aurora Borealis
58. Ride on the Orient Express
59. Learn to dance
60. Learn to fire a gun (I haven't fired a gun since I was a kid at my grandfather's house.)
61. Learn a martial art
62. Go to Australia
63. Learn to knit (I tried this once already and failed miserably so I'll have to give it another go sometime.)
64. See the Great Wall of China
65. Take the Sound of Music Tour in Salzburg
66. Drive or ride on US 1 - the Pacific Coast Highway - in California
67. Get my kicks on Route 66 (While I've been on parts of Route 66, I would love to drive the length of it from Chicago to Los Angeles/Santa Monica.)
68. Enjoy every moment with J
69. Be serenaded by a Venetian gondolier (Unfortunately the gondolier in the Venetian casino in Las Vegas just didn't satisfy this desire.)
70. Ride a mule to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (I traded a ride in a Cessna over the Grand Canyon for this the last time. I won't make that trade off next time.)
71. Gaze upon a magnificent waterfall. (I've seen several waterfalls but none that seem to qualify for this awe-inspiring goal. I guess I'll know the right one when I see it.)
72. Eat a hot dog at Nathan's original Coney Island location
73. Visit Seattle
74. Attend Gospel Brunch at the House of Blues
75. Visit the Art Institute of Chicago (completed September 2006 - our favorite place on our Chicago Anniversary trip)
76. Ride a mechanical bull
77. Stay in a teepee at the Wigwam Village in Cave City, KY

The beginnings of my list for 2010:
78. Shop Munich's Christkindlmarkt
79. See the Neuschwanstein Castle in Füssen
80. Go to Oktoberfest in Munich
81. Eat at Mrs. Wilkes' Boarding House in Savannah, GA
82. Stay at Gravetye Manor in Grinstead
83. Stay at the Kinloch Lodge on the Isle of Skye
84. Kiss the Blarney Stone
85. Drive the Grossglockner Road in Austria
86. Eat a chocolate at Mary Chocolatier in Brussels, Belgium - the premier shop for chocolate in the world
87. Travel the Romantic Road in Bavaria
88. Take Doug to the Sopporo Snow Festival and the Tsukiji Fish Market
89. Stay at Mackinac Island's Grand Hotel
90. See the trail one of my ancestors trekked - The Lewis and Clark Trail
91. Go to Carnival in Rio de Janeiro
92. See the Acropolis in Athens, Greece
93. Visit Santa's Village in Rovaniemi, Lapland, Finland

Edited to add number 94. Play paintball.

Advice to a Friend

I had a friend email me this week asking for my "sage advice" on motherhood. I'm not sure I have any of that but I wrote back just the same. Following is most of what I sent to her. After I sent it I realized that there were several things in here that I want to remember about being a mom - the good and the bad - so I thought I'd put it here, slightly altered to remove names and protect the innocent. Some of it is in response to questions she posed or statements about herself but I think it all makes sense even out of context.

Hmmmm..... what to tell you so it is honest without scaring you.....
Just kidding.

My honest answer is that things will never be the same but that is okay. Not only okay but fabulous. I think everyone is different in how a pregnancy and the crazy hormones affect them. For me, I became terribly forgetful both during and after my pregnancy and this has never gone back to "normal." There is a reason I keep such an organized calendar with everything from doctors' appts to soccer practice to when my library books are due --- it is because I can barely remember how to dress myself sometimes, it seems. I also cry at the drop of a hat - something I don't at all know what to do with to this day because I never had that problem pre-J. But, what I have come to realize is that is okay.

Being a mommy to someone whose whole life is dependent on you is both the most terrifying and most fulfilling feeling I've ever had. It doesn't equate in any way to how you feel about any other aspect of your life. The way you love your husband or your father or your sibling or your friend will pale in comparison to the amount of love you will pour into this one tiny being. The attention you give those people will pale when compared to the attention this little one not only requires but what you want to give. It doesn’t mean you have less love for those people, just that this tiny person depends on you for every need in their life. I find myself dropping the housework on a dime to read a little boy a story because I know, at that moment, nothing matters to him more in this world than his mommy. The housework -- or whatever it is -- is so unimportant at that moment. There is a reason we finally had to break down and hire a housekeeper. My housework will never be more important to me than those 10 minutes of storytime for as long as J wants me to spend time with him (because I know it won't be like that forever). There will come a day when he not only doesn't beg me to be with him, he wouldn't dream of wanting me there.

Work is the same way. All of those things that you are stressing about at work... when you are on maternity leave, those become someone else's problems at least for the time you are away. You CAN NOT worry about that while adjusting to motherhood. There simply isn't enough of you to go around and your little one deserves and will demand your undivided attention. There is no planning around him - he will dictate things for a while. I had a very healthy and uneventful pregnancy and relatively easy delivery. I was still more tired in the first week than I have ever been in my entire life. The good news? It does get better and easier even as it changes.

Life with an infant, a creeper, a toddler, a preschooler, etc. is a daily-changing affair that requires your flexibility but also, I believe, your organization. You will rise to the challenge because you are driven to do so. You will become what you need to be because you, like me and many others, see there is no alternative for raising a happy, healthy, intelligent, productive member of society. Honestly, there are days you don't know what you are going to do or how you are going to get through it. There are days that you realize you not only don't have all the answers, you'd be thrilled to come up with one solid lead on any answer at all. Motherhood is tough. I think anyone who says it isn't is ignoring some vital part of their child's development. And, between you, me, and the other women out there, I think we have it a little harder than the men. I don't mean in the physical sense of carrying the child or breastfeeding or any of those things. For me, those parts were a sheer joy. I mean in the pure emotional attachment we have to our kids. There is something about carrying that child that makes you forever linked to him in a way that I don't think any man can fully comprehend. This may not be true but I believe it to be true. There is a reason we women are the ones who can sit up all night by our child's bed when they are sick despite not having slept in days when the guys have long-since drifted off to sleep unintentionally on the sofa. It is the most remarkable feeling on earth.

Now, I say that like it is always a good thing. It isn't. You will worry. You will lose sleep. There are nights I don't sleep at all for worrying. About money. About J's school. About his behavior. About ridiculous things like potty training. There is just a switch that comes on the moment you find out there is a child on its way that makes you realize you are the sole provider for this child forever. I am not discounting a father's role but I do believe that no matter what happens in our lives, it is our mothers we always turn to or want to turn to and I think that is doubly true for boys. They always have a soft spot for their moms (at least in normal, functional families).

As for making mistakes or missteps - just think of them as a fact of life. You are going to be pulled in lots of different directions and you will occasionally make mistakes. The more you open up to people and allow them to see what is going on with you and why, the more I've found people are willing to work with you. As you know, J struggled for about a year. Things have only in the past month and a half righted themselves. There were many, many days when I had to drop everything here at work to go pick him up. I worried there would be repercussions because I used all my sick and vacation days and had to start taking unpaid days. The surprise? More people understand family problems and maternal issues than you might believe. But, my view point is, if they don't understand, do I really want to work for people like that anyway? I do worry that my maternal obligations and choices might eventually effect my employment but that is a risk I have to take. My child will always come before my job just as I know yours will as well. We don't have it in us to be any other way and I think that is a good thing.

As for your health, just remember that you are no use to your child unless you are healthy. Put yourself first in taking care of yourself when at all possible. There will be times when you will not sleep for 2 or 3 days because of extenuating circumstances. There will be times you have to get out of bed when you don't feel good because your child needs you. However, when at all possible, take care of yourself as well. Most husbands will rise to the occasion just as mine has. They have something in them too that we probably can't relate to and can't understand. Paternal instinct gets overlooked and overshadowed by the maternal counterpart but I think it exists and in abundance. Allow him to make his own mistakes and find his own way to becoming the type of father he wants to be. Take it from a control freak, it is hard to step away sometimes - particularly when you don't agree with what they are doing. But, it is vitally important for them to go their own way. Let him. He will surprise, astound, and wow you.

The third trimester (if your pregnancy is anything like mine) will be the hardest. I wish I could sugar coat that but it seems to be the general consensus among all women I've known who have ever been pregnant. That's when my memory went. I had to lie down half way through the day on more than one occasion because I was simply too tired to go on without a 10 minute nap. I would get up, shower, then have to lie back down for 5 minutes because the sheer act of getting ready in the morning was exhausting and draining. My ankles disappeared entirely which, for someone working on their feet on concrete floors all day, presented their own problems. I was exhausted, bloated, emotional, and generally disorganized and, yet, you have to keep going. I worked until the day I went into labor. I don't recommend that. Take a few days, if you make it to your due date, prior to your date to rest. You will need it. That was my one regret about the entire process though I thought I still had time.

Routines, you ask? I vaguely remember what the concept of a firm routine looks like? I haven't actually experienced it in over 4 years. If there is one thing motherhood has taught me, it is flexibility. It is always good to have a plan but be sure you have at least two back up plans as well as a willingness to go off-plan altogether when all three of those initial plans don't work out. Whether it is the babysitter who calls because she got a better offer for what to do on a Friday night (though is at least smart enough to camouflage it as a sore throat) or a child projectile vomiting all over you in a crowded Olive Garden, you have to learn to be flexible and laugh at those little moments. Children crave routine so trying one is always good. Children also do whatever they can both willingly and knowingly and unknowingly to disrupt those routines. You just have to go with it. Life is too short to obsess about things like that.

You are right about one thing - motherhood's theme should be "suck it up" a great deal of the time. We, as mothers, must almost always put ourselves last in every equation for the peace and furtherance of our families. However, the payoff of that is that you have this wonderful, beautiful, smiling, joy of a child in your arms at the end of a long and trying day when you feel like nothing is going right and you will never be "first" again. It is true that one of my favorite things in the whole world is the feeling of a baby's breath on my neck as he sleeps peacefully and quietly in your arms. There is no feeling in all of this world like it and it can't be replicated with someone else's child. No matter how many children you've held in your lifetime, they can't hold a candle to the feeling you have the first time your baby falls asleep in your arms. And all of those other worries and trials and issues just melt away... even if only for a few minutes.

Every single day is a roller coaster ride. My best "sage advice" is to strap on your seat belt and get ready for the ride of your life. It is more than worth the price of admission!

Too Smart?

We’ve had a lot of problems lately with J. For about fifteen days, we didn’t have a single good day at school. There were reports of biting, kicking, hitting students, hitting teachers, screaming, pulling curtains off the wall, throwing things, etc. This list went on and on. I had to leave work on several occasions to pick him up because they wouldn’t let him finish out the day. I was truly at my wits end. Then one tiny change was implemented. J was moved to a class with older kids. Now playing with K4 and K5 kids, we’ve had not a single bad report.

J has been an angel. We speculated over the reasons for the change. This morning, one of the teachers told me that she isn’t at all surprised at the change because he is so much smarter than the other kids his age. He gets frustrated trying to communicate with them. He sees them hitting and kicking and just follows suite because it is the only way to communicate with some of them. With the older kids, he feels the need to show them how “big” he is and he can communicate with them on their level. It is hard to grasp sometimes that intellect can be a downfall sometimes.

I am so thankful for a school that looks for solutions rather than just pointing out problems. I am so thankful for teachers willing to try and try again. I am so thankful for my little boy who is still learning every day how to act and how to treat his friends. I am thankful that he is that smart… even if it means it makes things so much harder sometimes.

The Baby Borrowers

I am generally not a big fan of reality television. However, there is a new show on TV that I love. It is more of a social experiment, I believe, than most reality television can claim to be. Baby Borrowers takes five young couples, all between the ages of 18 and 20, who believe they are ready for married life, adulthood, and babies. The show gives them big, beautiful houses to live in - none of them having ever lived together before. They are given one day to settle into their new homes and enjoy the "married life" before the first package arrives. All the girls must don simulated pregnancy suits for the next 24 hours until their real babies arrive. One girl can't even bear the thought of the suit because it hurts and looks hideous. Already I was hooked on this show!

The next phase of the show brings 5 babies into the picture, each assigned to a different couple, all six to eleven months old. The real parents can watch the action and even intervene if necessary, like when one of the girls gives up feeding one of the babies and says, "Fine. Starve." and walks off. There are also trained nannies in each house for emergency situations only (choking or something like that).

The show is riveting so far and they are only in the first phase. Already every "mother" has broken down and they are only in Phase 1. One mother is upset because the baby likes the boyfriend more than her which SO mirrors real life that it isn't even funny. I can't tell you how many days J has refused to do ANYTHING for one of us but will do it immediately and without argument for the other one just because he likes the other one better that day. Phase 2, approximately 4 days after the baby arrives, replaces that baby with a toddler and the previews look awesome! As the parent of a toddler, I can't wait to see those shows! Phase 3 starts 3 days later when the toddler leaves and in walks several pre-teens and their pets. Phase 4 brings a teenager into the home and Phase 5 leaves them caring for an elderly adult, complete with health problems, pills to remember, wheelchairs, etc.

These kids who think they are so ready to grow up and have kids of their own are cracking under the pressure in just 24 hours. Why are kids these days so anxious to grow up? Why can they not just enjoy being teenagers, enjoy a life with fewer responsibilities?

I love my toddler more than life itself. I devote most of my time that I am not working to him in one way or another. I love spending time with him and I adore him. However, I am so glad I didn't have him straight out of high school or even college. I am even glad I didn't have him in my 20s. I am so thankful for the years that were just about me through most of college and the years that were just about me and my husband without a child in the picture after that.

Once you have a child, that commitment is for life. There will never be another day of your life when you won't be that child's parents - even when you are 90 years old. If you are lucky, that child will depend on you in one way or another forever - even if it is just looking to you for advice or for love or to be a grandparent or great-grandparent to their kids and their kids' kids.

Seeing these kids who want to have kids themselves makes me a little sad. I think this social experiment labeled as reality television is great. If it can persuade even just these 10 young people that they aren't ready, it will be worth its weight in gold. One of the guys even said he agreed to do the show to convince his girlfriend they aren't ready and comments often throughout the show, "My plan is working!" I hope the plan is working also!