That was awful... or was it?

It is amazing how kids can change your outlook about a lot of things. I took J to see Alvin and the Chipmunks this weekend. It was truly awful, as I expected going into it. However, J has wanted to see this movie since he saw a preview for it about two months ago. Anytime he’d see a poster or an ad for it, he’d nearly burst with “I want to see that!” So, he paid his JBucks and off we went.

I found myself laughing at J laughing at the movie. Then I was actually following along with the movie and was a little annoyed when J said he needed to go to the potty for the second time since the movie started. We missed the singular plot twist in the movie, after all. I amazed myself at enjoying the movie because he was enjoying it so much. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that something you never thought you could enjoy becomes enjoyable by simply seeing it through the eyes of a child. This is one of the things I love most about being a mom.

JBucks

It seems like all who have children, and even some who don’t, are constantly willing to offer up their advice for parenting a child who is having trouble adjusting or exhibiting any sort of behavioral issues. I admit to taking a lot of this advice lately because I was at my wit’s end on how to deal with J’s hitting and angry outbursts. However, (knock on wood), it seems that a system of my own device has finally started to take hold of my little man.

We instituted a system of rewards and payments for good behavior and fun activities. I asked Doug to design money with J’s photo on it. Each of these JBucks can then be earned and spent. Each morning, there is the possibility of earning up to five JBucks based on good behavior. Each incident of trouble, back-talking, not minding, etc. will result in losing one JBuck. Teachers have also been given the authority to remove JBucks by leaving us a note in his daily folder. On the best day, at bedtime, he receives his five JBucks. On the worst day, he receives none. We have had days that fall everywhere on this scale. However, for the last few days, he has been doing great.

J loves his reward chart that lists everything he can “buy” with his JBucks – everything from one JBuck for an extra piece of candy or treat after dinner (since he thinks I am stingy for only allowing one) to fifteen JBucks for a trip to Chuck E. Cheese or a movie. He typically buys 30 minutes of video game time at three JBucks each though he has made one trip to Chuck E. Cheese and keeps talking about another.

I’ve decided that sometimes all of the books and websites and advice from others really is useless when it comes to your own child. You have to know your child’s motivations and desires to decide what is right for you and only you. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this continues to work and J will continue to thrive.

Play Nice

Yes, we are still having trouble with J hitting at school. We did get a note from the teacher this week that said J had three good days in a row and that he was acting a lot more social. This coming from the child who talks at home from morning’s first light until his eyes resist his fight against sleep in the evening. He was always very social at his old school so watching him play by himself and seclude himself at the new school was quite a shock. However, we’ve been encouraging him, talking to him about friendship, checking out every movie that revolves around this theme at the library, seeking out programs on friendship to TiVo, and it seems it is finally paying off just a little. Three good days in a row! Who knew a Mommy could be so proud over such a little note. It warranted a trip to “Pizza Planet” that very night.

However, it occurs to me that I don’t always want him to "play nice." I don’t mean that I want him to be a bully or that I want him to mistreat anyone else. Not even close. I do want him to take up for himself and defend himself when needed. I want him to maintain the independent streak he is showing so early. I want him to be a strong and secure individual throughout his life. That distinction isn’t really clear to a three-year-old so, for now, we just focus on “play nice.” I worry that this isn’t the best lesson to teach our kids though. Should we always play nice throughout our lives? In our careers? Even in all of our social situations? At what point do we tell our kids that isn't the best option for daily living?

While I want J to be friendly and outgoing and social, I also want him to get ahead in this world. I want him to learn early that people, if given the chance, will often take advantage of you. They will run over you and treat you like a doormat if you allow it. I want him to see that playing nice isn’t always feasible or advisable. I want him to know that practically no one will “play nice” in the business world. It is a dog eat dog world and you better be the first dog or sign up for a life of mediocrity and low pay. You have to be willing to sell yourself above the others in your work pool. You have to toot your own horn and toot it loudly sometimes. And, yes, sometimes you have to deal with lots of people who couldn’t define “nice” if they had to.

So, for now I’ll say “play nice” but when he calls me in twenty-five years and tells me he is competing for a big promotion, I’ll say, “Play fair” – which, of course, we all know isn’t always the same as playing nice. I’ll say, “Be honest” – which isn’t the same thing either. Very often, in fact, to be honest isn’t nice at all and you have to know when to be honest and when to keep your mouth shut. And I’ll say, “Be yourself” – even if that isn’t always nice at all. Better to be yourself and deal with the consequences than try to be someone or something else. There is little merit in the old business adage, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Eventually, someone’s gonna find out!

Hmmm… all that rambling to say – social lessons for a three year old:

1. Play fair.
2. Be honest.
3. Be yourself.

Sounds about right.

Why I scrapbook

I think that many people view scrapbooking as an odd hobby. To document every move your child makes. To take pictures at parties and family reunions. Every seemingly insignificant event in your life alongside the most significant ones. For many, their scrapbooks are all about the art of the creation. For me, they are all about the stories behind the photos.

I recently found a quote that I think sums up my desire to scrapbook so simply. "When a person dies, a library is burned." - Edmund White

To me, that really said it all. When I am dead and gone (hopefully later rather than sooner), I want my precious son and hopefully his children and theirs, to know me. Not just have a faded picture of me stashed in a drawer somewhere with “Mom” scribbled on the back and a date… but to really know me. To know what I wanted out of life. To know what and who I loved. To even know what I didn’t like. I want my son to know that the sun rises and sets on him in my eyes. I want him to know that I loved his daddy with all my heart and soul. I want him to know that I respected and cherished my parents and my grandparents and my great grandmothers for the time I had them and missed the ones who are gone now.

I probably won’t have an estate to leave to J. I won’t have a huge bank account or a mansion sitting on rolling hills. I won’t have antique cars or precious jewels. But I can have a legacy. My scrapbooks of family photos and journaling can be my legacy. That's why I scrapbook.

Well, that and because it's fun!

New Year's Resolutions

As with most things in my life these days, I'm a few days late writing these down. I like making New Year's Resolutions though they aren't typically written down anywhere or even followed up on with any real regularity. I like the idea of starting over on January 1st. Put the bad habits behind me and make a fresh start. So, here are mine (in no particular order):

1. Start getting up earlier in the morning (ugh) to allow time for exercise and to make J a healthy breakfast.
2. Paint at least one room in my house (my bedroom, the guest bathroom, and/or the guest room/playroom) and hire someone to paint my kitchen.
3. Make my front flowerbeds look presentable.
4. Lose some weight - any amount will do.
5. Spend more time with my friends. Game night, anyone?

I think that is enough for now. Just following through with the first part of number one will be a challenge for me.

Funny Moments

Where does his little mind come up with these things?

J is still getting into trouble at school occasionally and just before Christmas he was having a particularly hard time behaving with all the chaos at school involving parties and Christmas program rehearsals. One morning Doug was reminding him that he needed to be good at school that day or he would be in trouble. J apparently thought this was a fairly stern warning as he looked up at his Daddy and asked, "With the police?" Doug told him he'd try to keep them out of it. Fortunately, we didn't have to report him to the police as he had a good day that day.

J has entered the WHY phase. He questions everything. One of my favorite recent questions he asked of Doug is, "Is God afraid of bad guys?" Additionally, he quizzed my dad for about ten minutes on the details of being a soldier. There was no pause to think about the answers he had been given before the next question was on the tip of his tongue. This is a snippet of that conversation.

J: Were you a soldier?
Dad: Yes.
J: Can I see a picture?
Dad: Sure. (shows him a Command photo from a few years ago)
J: Are you holding that flag?
Dad: No, it is behind me.
J: Where is your sword?
Dad: I didn't have a sword.
J: Did you have a gun?
Dad: Yes.
J: Did you have it in that picture?
Dad: No, I didn't have it with me that day.
J: Did you have it with you three days before that.
Dad: I don't remember. Probably not.
J: Did you ever kill anybody?
Dad: No.
J: Why not?
Dad: There are lots of different kinds of soldiers.
J: Can you show me how to march like a soldier?
Dad: Sure. And I'll show you how to salute also.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

My most-loved time of the year has now come and gone. I love the time between Christmas Eve and New Year's Day. I typically take this time off from work and spend it with my family and friends. This year was no different. Because of the dates, we ended up being off for eleven glorious (and busy) days.
Christmas at my house growing up was always an extravagant affair and this year was no different. It has never mattered how much the gift costs. It is all in the presentation. All gifts are wrapped separately so there is more under the tree. There is a lot of fanfare surrounding Christmas starting on Christmas Eve with our huge Christmas meal. All of my favorites from turkey and dressing to homemade cranberry sauce to sweet potato casserole are on the table. Mom and I are usually exhausted from getting it there but it is wonderful to enjoy it with our family.
Christmas Eve also means opening the first presents. Growing up I always received my Christmas pajamas and we've continued that tradition with J. He was decked out in red and green as is appropriate (and in two different pairs since both grandmas bought him some). He wore one pair to bed and the second pair when he got up!
Once the few presents are open and everyone has indulged in one too many treats that we managed to make while preparing the meal, we all settle back in a comfy chair while someone reads a Christmas story. Last year we read to J about Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus and this year it was Twas the Night Before Christmas. The point of this time is less about the story and more about a little quiet time together to settle down the little one.
J was very excited this year and just couldn't make himself go to sleep. It was nearly midnight when he finally dropped off. As a result, he didn't slow down to even see his toys the next morning. Instead he sped past them to check to see if Santa ate all the treats he left for him the night before. He was very concerned Santa was going to skip Grandma and Papa's house because he stayed up too late. Satisfied that Santa had gotten his fill, we finally talked him into checking out his swag.
Christmas morning always extends into the afternoon once the presents are passed out and opened. I got so wrapped up in watching J open his gifts this year that, when he was finished, I looked around and everyone else was finished as well. Everyone except me, that is. I jumped up to fix brunch - another of our Christmas traditions - and had to return to my pile of gifts after we ate to finish.
Mom and I always go shopping the day after Christmas. We have been known to have to empty the car then go back out again because we buy so much. It is our time. We are typically out for twelve or fifteen hours (or more). We shop a little, eat a little, laugh a lot. It's a good time for just the two of us to be together and connect.
I know I've said it before but I really love Christmas. It is one of the only times that we can be with our families with no other pressures. I love buying gifts for them. I love the big, over-the-top meals. I love the time.
I also love New Year's because we've started another tradition over the past few years of spending this time with some of our friends. Doug and I used to sit home every New Year's and watch the ball drop on TV. Before that I typically worked every New Year's Eve, uninterested in the reveling that was going on. However, since we started traveling to Birmingham every year, I find I really look forward to that weekend as a relaxing social time after the rush of the holidays. We always have our party on the weekend to accommodate those of us traveling from out of town but it is just as fun to pretend it is the real New Year's Eve. Although my family has tried to make plans for that weekend more than once, they are becoming accustomed to the fact that these plans are non-negotiable and learning to live with it. I typically put my family above all other plans but New Year's Eve weekend is taken.
So, I have to wait another year to see the lights, hear the music, and experience the wonder that is Christmas. Maybe I'll play O Holy Night just one more time.