Play Nice

Yes, we are still having trouble with J hitting at school. We did get a note from the teacher this week that said J had three good days in a row and that he was acting a lot more social. This coming from the child who talks at home from morning’s first light until his eyes resist his fight against sleep in the evening. He was always very social at his old school so watching him play by himself and seclude himself at the new school was quite a shock. However, we’ve been encouraging him, talking to him about friendship, checking out every movie that revolves around this theme at the library, seeking out programs on friendship to TiVo, and it seems it is finally paying off just a little. Three good days in a row! Who knew a Mommy could be so proud over such a little note. It warranted a trip to “Pizza Planet” that very night.

However, it occurs to me that I don’t always want him to "play nice." I don’t mean that I want him to be a bully or that I want him to mistreat anyone else. Not even close. I do want him to take up for himself and defend himself when needed. I want him to maintain the independent streak he is showing so early. I want him to be a strong and secure individual throughout his life. That distinction isn’t really clear to a three-year-old so, for now, we just focus on “play nice.” I worry that this isn’t the best lesson to teach our kids though. Should we always play nice throughout our lives? In our careers? Even in all of our social situations? At what point do we tell our kids that isn't the best option for daily living?

While I want J to be friendly and outgoing and social, I also want him to get ahead in this world. I want him to learn early that people, if given the chance, will often take advantage of you. They will run over you and treat you like a doormat if you allow it. I want him to see that playing nice isn’t always feasible or advisable. I want him to know that practically no one will “play nice” in the business world. It is a dog eat dog world and you better be the first dog or sign up for a life of mediocrity and low pay. You have to be willing to sell yourself above the others in your work pool. You have to toot your own horn and toot it loudly sometimes. And, yes, sometimes you have to deal with lots of people who couldn’t define “nice” if they had to.

So, for now I’ll say “play nice” but when he calls me in twenty-five years and tells me he is competing for a big promotion, I’ll say, “Play fair” – which, of course, we all know isn’t always the same as playing nice. I’ll say, “Be honest” – which isn’t the same thing either. Very often, in fact, to be honest isn’t nice at all and you have to know when to be honest and when to keep your mouth shut. And I’ll say, “Be yourself” – even if that isn’t always nice at all. Better to be yourself and deal with the consequences than try to be someone or something else. There is little merit in the old business adage, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Eventually, someone’s gonna find out!

Hmmm… all that rambling to say – social lessons for a three year old:

1. Play fair.
2. Be honest.
3. Be yourself.

Sounds about right.