Friendship

I've been thinking a lot about friends and friendship lately. What does it mean to be a friend to someone? What do I want from a friend? How can I be a friend? J started a new school recently and has had some trouble getting past the fact that he misses two of his friends from his old school. I have no way to contact those parents to set up play dates and, despite leaving my name, number, and a message explaining why we were changing schools for them, I haven’t received a call. Many mornings on the way to school he tells me, “I miss Griffin and Brody” and I just want to cry. But, at the same time I want J to learn that these things happen. Sometimes life gets in the way of our friendships. Not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some are meant to be transient - in his case just to teach him how to be a friend and the importance of friendships. Additionally, he wants the kids at his new school to act like Griffin and Brody and I’ve been trying to explain that all friends are different.

I am constantly astounded at people my age who still have friends they made in elementary school or even middle school. I can’t imagine having anything at all to talk about to someone I once ran around the swing set with beyond any coincidental similar interests. Perhaps this is because I didn’t go to elementary school with the same people I went to kindergarten with due to a family move. I didn’t attend middle school with most of the people I went to elementary school with due to zoning and bussing. In fact, there were only two boys from my first grade class that I also graduated from high school with and we didn’t remain friends during that time – just distant, pass-and-speak-in-the-hall sorts of folks. One was a programmer for a radio station in Montgomery, AL the last I heard (Hey! I studied radio in college – perhaps we’d have tons in common) and one I haven’t seen since the day we graduated and he reminded me of a long-since forgotten tale from the first grade. To stay friends with someone from your childhood is a mystery to me.

As for friends from high school, I have recently become somewhat nostalgic and joined an online group that allows you to connect with other people from your high school if they are members also. I have talked to a friend of my old high school boyfriend’s, two girls I was friends with in middle school, and a guy I was good friends with in high school. Except for the guy I was friends with in high school, I have very little in common with the others and our exchanges were just a “where are you now” sort of communication.

With all that said, I have a group of friends I’ve known since college with some additions to that group who have joined up via other members over the years. These are the people I found a common link with at some point. Some common interest that holds us together. However, even within this group – a group that met when we were at least on the verge of adulthood and our interests and careers somewhat set – it is sometimes hard to keep the group together. There is too often a notion among friends that every friend needs to be a “Best Friend.” Even my three-year-old is finding that friendship is a tricky deal. You can’t apply the same cookie cutter mentality to every friend. Every friendship in life is unique. This is what I most want to teach J about friendship.

Some friends are meant to be those call-in-the-middle-of-the-night sorts of friends. You usually have these friendships in college. Your parents won’t allow them before that and your spouses won’t allow them after that. These are the people you bare your soul to each and every day. They know your crushes, your loves, your disappointments, your trials. They are your free therapists. They are the reason no one needs a therapist in college.

Some friends are your call-for-a-great-time sorts of friends. These are the people you want to hang out with to laugh, play games, sing karaoke, watch the Iron Bowl, or whatever else suites your fancy. These friends do not want you to call them in the middle of the night. It’s not that they don’t care about you. This just isn’t the sort of friendship you have with them.

Some friends are your tell-it-like-it-is sorts of friends. These are the people you want to take shopping with you to tell you those jeans really do accentuate your fat ass. These are the people you want to run an idea by before you strike out with something you will later regret. Many people don’t like having these types of friends because they don’t want someone to tell it like it is. They want the next type of friends.

Some friends are your tell-you-what-you-want-to-hear sorts of friends. These are the people you turn to when you’ve been wronged and you want to be told you were right in the situation without question. These are the people you tell your ideas to when you just want affirmation and not reality. These are the people who will make you feel good about yourself even if they are just blowing smoke up your ass. Sometimes you will find these are the most detrimental sorts of friends though because they aren’t really your friend at all.

When you find that best friend, it is the person who will bring out the best in you despite being a little bit of all of the types of friends. This person can tell it like it is while making you hear what you need to hear if not always what you want to hear. This person will have fun with you and, on that rare occasion when it is truly necessary, you can call this person in the middle of the night and they won’t care what their spouse says about it. So, what does this mean to a three-year-old who wants to make friends? Just accept people for the type of friend they are able to be to you. Don’t expect people to bend to your whims. Enjoy people for what they can offer you. And, as I told him one evening while scolding him for hitting another child who had a toy he wanted, “if you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend.” Sometimes the sappiest sentiments are still true.